Friday, February 27, 2015
By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:35 GMT, 20 January 2015 | Updated: 01:41 GMT, 20 January 2015
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The letters of Noel Coward (pictured), edited by Barry Day, were first published eight years ago, in 2007, amid great acclaim
One of the most talented forgers of the 20th century has just died. And to the irritation of some, and the delight of others, her legacy seems likely to live on.
The letters of Noel Coward, edited by Barry Day, were first published eight years ago, in 2007, amid great acclaim.
‘A far more complex figure than the one we thought we knew,’ wrote Sheridan Morley. ‘Here you get the truly private Noel.’
‘Coward’s own record is made all the more delightful by the wise and helpful interpolations of Barry Day, the soundest authority on the Master that there is,’ wrote Stephen Fry.
In one of the published letters, headed ‘Les Avants sur Montreux’, his Swiss address, Coward wrote to Clifton Webb about their mutual friend Marlene Dietrich.
‘SUNDAY. Dear Boy, The London sojourn was exhausting. Marlene’s opening was divine. The silly old Kraut remains one of the most attractive women on the face of the earth and during this brief period of triumph has ceased moaning about getting old.
‘As I have told you on countless occasions I am sure — Marlene seems to think that she is the only higher primate to suffer the depradations of growing old and she is determinedly ungraceful about the whole business.
‘Are you tired yet of my paeans to the Queen Mother? We all watched “Ninety Years On” together. She was moved and I was thrilled. I love her more and more for her good heart and her grand style. That she is genuinely fond of me delights me beyond my meagre powers of expression . . .
Yours, as ever, Noel.’
In one of the published letters, headed ‘Les Avants sur Montreux’, his Swiss address, Coward wrote to Clifton Webb (pictured) about their mutual friend Marlene Dietrich
In another letter, Coward discussed the casting of Julie Andrews as Gertie Lawrence in the film Star, saying that Andrews ‘is about as much like Gertie as I am Edna Ferber’s twin, but what can one do? . . . She is a bright, talented actress and quite attractive since she dealt with her monstrous English over-bite. It will be interesting — more interesting, I hope, than dear Gertie’s actual life.’
Both these letters perfectly capture the Coward tone: camp and crisp, witty and bitchy. Any editor would have been pleased to include them in the collected works.
But — and this a rather big ‘but’ — they were in fact composed in 1990, a full 17 years after Noel Coward had died. They were written not by Coward, but by an alcoholic out-of-work New York writer-turned-forger called Lee Israel.
Lee Israel died this Christmas Eve, aged 75. It is unlikely that the books she published under her own name — including biographies of Tallulah Bankhead and Estee Lauder — will be remembered, but I think her brilliant forgeries deserve their own little corner in literary history.
Over the course of 18 months she composed about 400 letters, ostensibly by famous people, including Eugene O’Neill, Lillian Hellman, Humphrey Bogart, Dorothy Parker, Louise Brooks and, of course, Noel Coward.
She was later to say that, though she had written and published many hundreds of thousands of words under her own name, ‘I still consider these letters to be my best work’. It is a judgment with which few would disagree.
It is unlikely that the books Lee Israel published under her own name — including biographies of Tallulah Bankhead (left) and Estee Lauder (right) — will be remembered
In the 1970s and 1980s, Lee Israel had been a moderately successful author, one of her books even making it onto the New York Times bestseller list.
But by the end of the 1980s, things had begun to go awry. A succession of writing projects had fallen by the wayside, and she was obliged to pay back publishers’ advances for showbiz biographies that had been commissioned but she had failed to write. These included works on Vanessa Redgrave, Woody Allen and Bette Davis.
To the irritation of some, and the delight of others, her legacy seems likely to live on‘She wanted me to co-author one of her several autobiographies,’ Lee Israel recalled of Bette Davis, ‘and when people asked me what had finally gone wrong with the project, I told them: “I yelled back!” ’
Faced by this downturn in her fortunes, Lee Israel drank more and more, and the more she drank, the more difficult she became. Like many a writer before and since, she never forgave publishers for refusing to finance her failures.
‘Advances had to be returned, in their entirety, though many thousands had been spent by me in determining that a book was not do-able. Writers, unlike lawyers, doctors, agents, do not get paid when they fail or misjudge.’
By now, she was virtually blacklisted by publishers, so came to the conclusion that she would never again be able to make money writing under her own name.
Her cat, Doris, was ill, and she could no longer afford the vet’s bills. Faced with ruin, she hit upon a ruse. She would forge letters from famous people, and sell them to dealers. What happened next will be the subject of my next column on Thursday.
www.inulpoker.com, Agen Poker Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Online Indonesia Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Terbaik,
Published: 01:35 GMT, 20 January 2015 | Updated: 01:41 GMT, 20 January 2015
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The letters of Noel Coward (pictured), edited by Barry Day, were first published eight years ago, in 2007, amid great acclaim
One of the most talented forgers of the 20th century has just died. And to the irritation of some, and the delight of others, her legacy seems likely to live on.
The letters of Noel Coward, edited by Barry Day, were first published eight years ago, in 2007, amid great acclaim.
‘A far more complex figure than the one we thought we knew,’ wrote Sheridan Morley. ‘Here you get the truly private Noel.’
‘Coward’s own record is made all the more delightful by the wise and helpful interpolations of Barry Day, the soundest authority on the Master that there is,’ wrote Stephen Fry.
In one of the published letters, headed ‘Les Avants sur Montreux’, his Swiss address, Coward wrote to Clifton Webb about their mutual friend Marlene Dietrich.
‘SUNDAY. Dear Boy, The London sojourn was exhausting. Marlene’s opening was divine. The silly old Kraut remains one of the most attractive women on the face of the earth and during this brief period of triumph has ceased moaning about getting old.
‘As I have told you on countless occasions I am sure — Marlene seems to think that she is the only higher primate to suffer the depradations of growing old and she is determinedly ungraceful about the whole business.
‘Are you tired yet of my paeans to the Queen Mother? We all watched “Ninety Years On” together. She was moved and I was thrilled. I love her more and more for her good heart and her grand style. That she is genuinely fond of me delights me beyond my meagre powers of expression . . .
Yours, as ever, Noel.’
In one of the published letters, headed ‘Les Avants sur Montreux’, his Swiss address, Coward wrote to Clifton Webb (pictured) about their mutual friend Marlene DietrichIn another letter, Coward discussed the casting of Julie Andrews as Gertie Lawrence in the film Star, saying that Andrews ‘is about as much like Gertie as I am Edna Ferber’s twin, but what can one do? . . . She is a bright, talented actress and quite attractive since she dealt with her monstrous English over-bite. It will be interesting — more interesting, I hope, than dear Gertie’s actual life.’
Both these letters perfectly capture the Coward tone: camp and crisp, witty and bitchy. Any editor would have been pleased to include them in the collected works.
But — and this a rather big ‘but’ — they were in fact composed in 1990, a full 17 years after Noel Coward had died. They were written not by Coward, but by an alcoholic out-of-work New York writer-turned-forger called Lee Israel.
Lee Israel died this Christmas Eve, aged 75. It is unlikely that the books she published under her own name — including biographies of Tallulah Bankhead and Estee Lauder — will be remembered, but I think her brilliant forgeries deserve their own little corner in literary history.
Over the course of 18 months she composed about 400 letters, ostensibly by famous people, including Eugene O’Neill, Lillian Hellman, Humphrey Bogart, Dorothy Parker, Louise Brooks and, of course, Noel Coward.
She was later to say that, though she had written and published many hundreds of thousands of words under her own name, ‘I still consider these letters to be my best work’. It is a judgment with which few would disagree.
It is unlikely that the books Lee Israel published under her own name — including biographies of Tallulah Bankhead (left) and Estee Lauder (right) — will be rememberedIn the 1970s and 1980s, Lee Israel had been a moderately successful author, one of her books even making it onto the New York Times bestseller list.
But by the end of the 1980s, things had begun to go awry. A succession of writing projects had fallen by the wayside, and she was obliged to pay back publishers’ advances for showbiz biographies that had been commissioned but she had failed to write. These included works on Vanessa Redgrave, Woody Allen and Bette Davis.
To the irritation of some, and the delight of others, her legacy seems likely to live on‘She wanted me to co-author one of her several autobiographies,’ Lee Israel recalled of Bette Davis, ‘and when people asked me what had finally gone wrong with the project, I told them: “I yelled back!” ’
Faced by this downturn in her fortunes, Lee Israel drank more and more, and the more she drank, the more difficult she became. Like many a writer before and since, she never forgave publishers for refusing to finance her failures.
‘Advances had to be returned, in their entirety, though many thousands had been spent by me in determining that a book was not do-able. Writers, unlike lawyers, doctors, agents, do not get paid when they fail or misjudge.’
By now, she was virtually blacklisted by publishers, so came to the conclusion that she would never again be able to make money writing under her own name.
Her cat, Doris, was ill, and she could no longer afford the vet’s bills. Faced with ruin, she hit upon a ruse. She would forge letters from famous people, and sell them to dealers. What happened next will be the subject of my next column on Thursday.
www.inulpoker.com, Agen Poker Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Online Indonesia Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Terbaik,
By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:16 GMT, 22 January 2015 | Updated: 01:33 GMT, 22 January 2015
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Talented forger Lee Israel published a series of bogus letters, including ones 'written' by Noel Coward
On Tuesday, I wrote about Lee Israel, who died in New York on Christmas Eve, aged 75.
In the Seventies and Eighties she had been a successful biographer, but had taken to drink, and fallen out with her publishers. She was clearly impossible.
‘I was not in the flower of mental health,’ she later admitted, having been thrown out of a New York bookstore for drunkenly berating the staff.
She began executing malicious pranks, getting her own back on those who had rejected her. ‘The AA crowd calls it “drinking and dialling”,’ she recalled.
‘Loaded up, usually on gin, and adoring my own larkiness, I’d telephone somebody who was once my buddy but was now in “meetings” all the time. I’d make a second call, with just a slight change in attitude and voice, identifying myself often as Norah Ephron. The erstwhile confrere would come on in a trice, usually with a warm, “Hiya, Norah,” whereupon I shouted, “Star f*****! Is that one word or two?” and hung up.’
Alerted by Norah Ephron, two detectives arrived at Lee Israel’s apartment.
‘They used words like harassment. ‘“Well,” I said, “if she can’t take a joke...” I promised to cease and also desist, but knew the impulsivity that gin induces would inevitably chivvy me to the telephone. Fortunately, it was disconnected for non-payment before I could get myself into serious trouble.’
Around this time, she diverted her talents for mimicry into the forgery of letters by famous people, among them Noel Coward, Ernest Hemingway, Eugene O’Neill and Humphrey Bogart.
Over a period of 15 months she composed roughly 400 bogus letters, using a variety of ancient typewriters, for added authenticity. She sold these letters to dealers at such knockdown prices that they never bothered to check their provenance. ‘Most dealers didn’t know that Provenance was not the capital of Rhode Island,’ she observed, wittily.
Lee Israel had a pitch-perfect ear for literary mannerisms. Some of her imitations are as good as the originals, perhaps even better. ‘Ms Israel’s career married scholarship, fabrication, forgery and outright theft,’ read her New York Times obituary. A more gracious obituarist might have added ‘brilliance’, as she possessed an uncanny ability to get to the heart of those she imitated.
For instance, she once faked a letter from Dorothy Parker, the famous New York wit and alcoholic. It matches Parker’s caustic tone precisely.
‘Dear Joshua,’ it begins. ‘Alan told me to write and apologise. So I am doing that now, while he dresses our turkey dinner with the boys across the road. I have a hangover that is a real museum piece; I’m sure then that I must have said something terrible.
The writer had a pitch-perfect ear for literary mannerisms, which included Ernest Hemingway, Eugene O’Neill, Humphrey Bogart and Clifton Webb (pictured)
'To save me this kind of exertion in the future, I am thinking of having letters run off saying, “Can you ever forgive me? Dorothy.” ’
But, as I mentioned in my last column, Noel Coward was her piece de resistance. ‘I loved doing Noel,’ she wrote later. ‘I sat down with his diaries and a British dictionary and a collection of Noelisms for inspiration. He was so outre. It was such fun.’
In one of her Coward letters, she has the ageing playwright hit out at the up-and-coming ‘kitchen sink’ school of dramatists.
‘My professional demise has been predicted gleefully for years now by the same types who blame the Queen Mother for their own dreary lives and meagre talents . . . Any intercourse with them leaves me bored and inordinately depressed.’
In one of her Coward letters, she has the ageing playwright question which unnamed soprano killed his tropical fish - though he concedes that it 'could have been a suicide'
In another, her Coward criticises an unnamed soprano: ‘I am quite certain that it is her high “C” that killed my tropical fish, though he conceivably could have been a suicide.’
Her ability as a mimic was so fine that two of her Coward forgeries found their way into the authorised edition of his letters, published in 2007. ‘For me, this was a big hoot and a terrific compliment,’ she said, adding that all her forgeries ‘were fun, and nobody got hurt, and everybody made money’.
But, after a while, dealers began to grow suspicious and alerted the FBI. She had to act quickly. In her memoirs, Israel writes of the difficulty of getting rid of all her vintage typewriters, dumping them ‘one by one in trash cans along a mile stretch’.
Lee Israel had far more success with her celebrity letters than she did with books published under her own name — including biographies of Tallulah Bankhead (left) and Estee Lauder (right)
The typewriter she used for the Coward letters, a Fifties Olympia, ‘solid as a rock’, was, she said, ‘the one I would have most trouble schlepping when the FBI was about to come calling’.
And come calling they did. For these and other offences, Lee Israel was sentenced to five years’ probation and six months’ house arrest. But even those who secured her conviction couldn’t help but admire her.
‘She was brilliant,’ said the lead FBI investigator, Carl Burrell, after her death this Christmas Eve. He suspects some of Lee Israel’s forgeries are still in circulation. It makes you wonder how many will pop up in the next grand volume of letters by Hemingway, Coward, Parker or O’Neill. And how will we know when they do?
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Published: 01:16 GMT, 22 January 2015 | Updated: 01:33 GMT, 22 January 2015
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Talented forger Lee Israel published a series of bogus letters, including ones 'written' by Noel Coward
On Tuesday, I wrote about Lee Israel, who died in New York on Christmas Eve, aged 75.
In the Seventies and Eighties she had been a successful biographer, but had taken to drink, and fallen out with her publishers. She was clearly impossible.
‘I was not in the flower of mental health,’ she later admitted, having been thrown out of a New York bookstore for drunkenly berating the staff.
She began executing malicious pranks, getting her own back on those who had rejected her. ‘The AA crowd calls it “drinking and dialling”,’ she recalled.
‘Loaded up, usually on gin, and adoring my own larkiness, I’d telephone somebody who was once my buddy but was now in “meetings” all the time. I’d make a second call, with just a slight change in attitude and voice, identifying myself often as Norah Ephron. The erstwhile confrere would come on in a trice, usually with a warm, “Hiya, Norah,” whereupon I shouted, “Star f*****! Is that one word or two?” and hung up.’
Alerted by Norah Ephron, two detectives arrived at Lee Israel’s apartment.
‘They used words like harassment. ‘“Well,” I said, “if she can’t take a joke...” I promised to cease and also desist, but knew the impulsivity that gin induces would inevitably chivvy me to the telephone. Fortunately, it was disconnected for non-payment before I could get myself into serious trouble.’
Around this time, she diverted her talents for mimicry into the forgery of letters by famous people, among them Noel Coward, Ernest Hemingway, Eugene O’Neill and Humphrey Bogart.
Over a period of 15 months she composed roughly 400 bogus letters, using a variety of ancient typewriters, for added authenticity. She sold these letters to dealers at such knockdown prices that they never bothered to check their provenance. ‘Most dealers didn’t know that Provenance was not the capital of Rhode Island,’ she observed, wittily.
Lee Israel had a pitch-perfect ear for literary mannerisms. Some of her imitations are as good as the originals, perhaps even better. ‘Ms Israel’s career married scholarship, fabrication, forgery and outright theft,’ read her New York Times obituary. A more gracious obituarist might have added ‘brilliance’, as she possessed an uncanny ability to get to the heart of those she imitated.
For instance, she once faked a letter from Dorothy Parker, the famous New York wit and alcoholic. It matches Parker’s caustic tone precisely.
‘Dear Joshua,’ it begins. ‘Alan told me to write and apologise. So I am doing that now, while he dresses our turkey dinner with the boys across the road. I have a hangover that is a real museum piece; I’m sure then that I must have said something terrible.
The writer had a pitch-perfect ear for literary mannerisms, which included Ernest Hemingway, Eugene O’Neill, Humphrey Bogart and Clifton Webb (pictured)'To save me this kind of exertion in the future, I am thinking of having letters run off saying, “Can you ever forgive me? Dorothy.” ’
But, as I mentioned in my last column, Noel Coward was her piece de resistance. ‘I loved doing Noel,’ she wrote later. ‘I sat down with his diaries and a British dictionary and a collection of Noelisms for inspiration. He was so outre. It was such fun.’
In one of her Coward letters, she has the ageing playwright hit out at the up-and-coming ‘kitchen sink’ school of dramatists.
‘My professional demise has been predicted gleefully for years now by the same types who blame the Queen Mother for their own dreary lives and meagre talents . . . Any intercourse with them leaves me bored and inordinately depressed.’
In one of her Coward letters, she has the ageing playwright question which unnamed soprano killed his tropical fish - though he concedes that it 'could have been a suicide'
In another, her Coward criticises an unnamed soprano: ‘I am quite certain that it is her high “C” that killed my tropical fish, though he conceivably could have been a suicide.’
Her ability as a mimic was so fine that two of her Coward forgeries found their way into the authorised edition of his letters, published in 2007. ‘For me, this was a big hoot and a terrific compliment,’ she said, adding that all her forgeries ‘were fun, and nobody got hurt, and everybody made money’.
But, after a while, dealers began to grow suspicious and alerted the FBI. She had to act quickly. In her memoirs, Israel writes of the difficulty of getting rid of all her vintage typewriters, dumping them ‘one by one in trash cans along a mile stretch’.
Lee Israel had far more success with her celebrity letters than she did with books published under her own name — including biographies of Tallulah Bankhead (left) and Estee Lauder (right)
The typewriter she used for the Coward letters, a Fifties Olympia, ‘solid as a rock’, was, she said, ‘the one I would have most trouble schlepping when the FBI was about to come calling’.
And come calling they did. For these and other offences, Lee Israel was sentenced to five years’ probation and six months’ house arrest. But even those who secured her conviction couldn’t help but admire her.
‘She was brilliant,’ said the lead FBI investigator, Carl Burrell, after her death this Christmas Eve. He suspects some of Lee Israel’s forgeries are still in circulation. It makes you wonder how many will pop up in the next grand volume of letters by Hemingway, Coward, Parker or O’Neill. And how will we know when they do?
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By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:37 GMT, 15 January 2015 | Updated: 08:29 GMT, 15 January 2015
First I took a left, then a right, then a left again. I was completely lost. Then I saw a man in his 30s walking along. I stopped to ask him the way. 'Could you help me?' I asked.
'I never killed those girls,' he said.
'Actually' I said, 'I was wondering how to get to back to the main road?'
'I don't know nothin'!' he screamed, before disappearing down a footpath yelling: 'It's not my fault!'
Scroll down for video
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Craig Brown takes a trip to the fictional town of BBC's Broadchurch, the series starring David Tennant and Olivia Colman
After a hundred yards I came upon a lovely little coastal town. The sign by the side of the road read: BROADCHURCH WELCOMES NO ONE.
I thought it best to ask for directions in the newsagent's. I parked my car between a group of people screamingly angrily at one another and a police road block and got out.
In front of me, a man with a scowl was purchasing the Broadchurch Gazette, with its large banner headline: 'ONLY THREE YOUNGSTERS BRUTALLY MURDERED SO FAR THIS WEEK.' The newsagent said it would be 60p. 'I hope you rot in hell after all you've done,' replied the scowling man. 'Oh, and a packet of Smarties, too, please!'
'Could you tell me the way to . . .' I began.
'None of your bloody business!' snapped the newsagent. 'I've had enough of your questions! You and that wife of yours! And what about Maureen? You and Tim should never have told Richard because Richard was bound to tell Jane everything. Who's side are you really on, damn you?!'
Who was Maureen? And which one was Tim? And who were Richard and Jane? By now, I was finding it all very hard to follow.
'I'll never forgive her,' added the newsagent.
'Who?' I asked.
'Whoever it was who did whatever it was to whoever it was whenever it was. I'll never forgive her.'
'Why not?'
'Because whoever it was who did whatever it was to whoever it was whenever it was should never have done whatever it was to whoever it was whenever it was. That's why I'll never forgive her. And as for that third autopsy . . .'
The popular series, set in a seaside town, has recently come under fire after fans complained they could not understand what people were saying
'Well, I'd better be going,' I said.
'I'm innocent!' he replied.
Outside, the High Street had been cordoned off by the police, who were unravelling a large spool of bright yellow 'POLICE LINE DO NOT ENTER' tape.
'Anything gone wrong?'I asked a policeman.
'Not in the last two minutes. But you never can tell. There's 2,000 people in this town, and they've all got something to hide. Meanwhile, I'll never forgive myself. Especially after what happened to Maureen.'
Maureen! That name again! 'What happened to Maureen?' I asked.
'What d'you care?' he snapped. 'You're as bad as the rest of 'em!' I noticed he was shaking uncontrollably.
I was beginning to think there might be something a little nervy about the quaint old seaside town of Broadchurch. So far, everyone I encountered had seemed a bit on edge, and I was finding it hard to follow what they were saying.
Other viewers have criticised Broadchurch, which won acclaim as a gritty and down-to-earth crime drama, for the new series' 'soap opera' plotlines, branding it a 'fancy EastEnders'
To my relief, I spotted a vicar in the main square. At last, someone who could explain what was happening!
'Excuse me,' I said. 'What on earth's going on?'
'Who's side are you on? What do you want? Don't mess me about! Why would I know? I had nothing to do with it — nothing, d'y'hear?' Like so many other citizens of Broadchurch, he gave every sign of being at the end of his tether.
'I'm sorry,' I said. 'I'm new to the area.'
'Maureen warned me about you. She knew that you and Tim had told Richard all about it, and that's why Jane could never forgive you. And so Jack told Sally to tell Kev what Roger had told Tim, and — now I see it! — that's why Jeff refused to speak to Kim about what Jill had told Richard . . .'
Baffled, I blurted out: 'But who's Richard? And who's Tim? And who's . . .'
'Richard's the bald one who looks a bit like Kev, and Tim's the one who looks a bit like both the other two. And Sally's the one whose body has just been found at the bottom of the cliff. But what's it to do with you? What do you care?' he screamed.
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Published: 01:37 GMT, 15 January 2015 | Updated: 08:29 GMT, 15 January 2015
First I took a left, then a right, then a left again. I was completely lost. Then I saw a man in his 30s walking along. I stopped to ask him the way. 'Could you help me?' I asked.
'I never killed those girls,' he said.
'Actually' I said, 'I was wondering how to get to back to the main road?'
'I don't know nothin'!' he screamed, before disappearing down a footpath yelling: 'It's not my fault!'
Scroll down for video
www.inulpoker.com, Agen Poker Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Online Indonesia Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Terbaik,
Craig Brown takes a trip to the fictional town of BBC's Broadchurch, the series starring David Tennant and Olivia ColmanAfter a hundred yards I came upon a lovely little coastal town. The sign by the side of the road read: BROADCHURCH WELCOMES NO ONE.
I thought it best to ask for directions in the newsagent's. I parked my car between a group of people screamingly angrily at one another and a police road block and got out.
In front of me, a man with a scowl was purchasing the Broadchurch Gazette, with its large banner headline: 'ONLY THREE YOUNGSTERS BRUTALLY MURDERED SO FAR THIS WEEK.' The newsagent said it would be 60p. 'I hope you rot in hell after all you've done,' replied the scowling man. 'Oh, and a packet of Smarties, too, please!'
'Could you tell me the way to . . .' I began.
'None of your bloody business!' snapped the newsagent. 'I've had enough of your questions! You and that wife of yours! And what about Maureen? You and Tim should never have told Richard because Richard was bound to tell Jane everything. Who's side are you really on, damn you?!'
Who was Maureen? And which one was Tim? And who were Richard and Jane? By now, I was finding it all very hard to follow.
'I'll never forgive her,' added the newsagent.
'Who?' I asked.
'Whoever it was who did whatever it was to whoever it was whenever it was. I'll never forgive her.'
'Why not?'
'Because whoever it was who did whatever it was to whoever it was whenever it was should never have done whatever it was to whoever it was whenever it was. That's why I'll never forgive her. And as for that third autopsy . . .'
The popular series, set in a seaside town, has recently come under fire after fans complained they could not understand what people were saying'Well, I'd better be going,' I said.
'I'm innocent!' he replied.
Outside, the High Street had been cordoned off by the police, who were unravelling a large spool of bright yellow 'POLICE LINE DO NOT ENTER' tape.
'Anything gone wrong?'I asked a policeman.
'Not in the last two minutes. But you never can tell. There's 2,000 people in this town, and they've all got something to hide. Meanwhile, I'll never forgive myself. Especially after what happened to Maureen.'
Maureen! That name again! 'What happened to Maureen?' I asked.
'What d'you care?' he snapped. 'You're as bad as the rest of 'em!' I noticed he was shaking uncontrollably.
I was beginning to think there might be something a little nervy about the quaint old seaside town of Broadchurch. So far, everyone I encountered had seemed a bit on edge, and I was finding it hard to follow what they were saying.
Other viewers have criticised Broadchurch, which won acclaim as a gritty and down-to-earth crime drama, for the new series' 'soap opera' plotlines, branding it a 'fancy EastEnders'To my relief, I spotted a vicar in the main square. At last, someone who could explain what was happening!
'Excuse me,' I said. 'What on earth's going on?'
'Who's side are you on? What do you want? Don't mess me about! Why would I know? I had nothing to do with it — nothing, d'y'hear?' Like so many other citizens of Broadchurch, he gave every sign of being at the end of his tether.
'I'm sorry,' I said. 'I'm new to the area.'
'Maureen warned me about you. She knew that you and Tim had told Richard all about it, and that's why Jane could never forgive you. And so Jack told Sally to tell Kev what Roger had told Tim, and — now I see it! — that's why Jeff refused to speak to Kim about what Jill had told Richard . . .'
Baffled, I blurted out: 'But who's Richard? And who's Tim? And who's . . .'
'Richard's the bald one who looks a bit like Kev, and Tim's the one who looks a bit like both the other two. And Sally's the one whose body has just been found at the bottom of the cliff. But what's it to do with you? What do you care?' he screamed.
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By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:50 GMT, 24 February 2015 | Updated: 08:27 GMT, 24 February 2015
Q: Climate change. What’s the evidence, Lord Prescott?
Lord Prescott: Ever dense? Anybody calls me that must expect a hunch to their pooter or they’ve got another kink thumbing.
Let me foot it like this. There’s consensual throughout the scientific commuter-knee that there’s all this carbon dioxide and monosodium glue and whatnot about, we’re talking a serious build-up of benedict cumberbatch or whatever, and that’s why the colar pap is melting what with all those bipolar bears sat there on their glacier mints in the O2 arena so if you want proof then it’s all there, right in front of your very pies.
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Ed Miliband's new adviser on climate change answers your questions, as told to Craig Brown
Did I hearing someone mention pies? Well, yes, I wouldn’t say no, now you mentionise it, I am a pit beckish.
Q: Is climate change influenced more by human activities and excess greenhouse gases or changes in the sun’s energy?
Lord Prescott: There’s no knee-dyeing we’ve got all these greenhouses so there’s going to be effect and that’s for curtain. So first you heat up your greenhouse and next thing you know, you’ve got primate change or climbing frame or whatever on your hands and you can’t wash that under the carpet.
Q: Did your involvement in the Kyoto Protocol convince you that emissions of carbon dioxide from human activities have a big impact on the Earth’s climate?
Lord Prescott: The Proto Cwuticle was a major developmentalist in my overall thoughting about this crucial natter.
Without the Keyhole Protoplasm we’d be up Crick Sheet without a puddle.
And what it made as clear as the back of my hand was that the nocturnal emissions from carping dyed ox-hide were a major contributioning to gobble warning.
Q: As the special adviser on climate change to Labour leader Ed Miliband, what exactly will your job be?
Lord Prescott: My briefs along a broad range of Y-fronts is to get in touch with heads of steak and their meanier sinisters so as to raise wariness of the key tissues.
So I’ll be hashing beds together and reporting back to Head Bilimand on a regular basin as to the progression I’m progressing progressively on our progressment towards a satisfactorily progress of our progressivisation. And you can’t put it simplifier than that.
Q: How do you personally contribute to the fight against climate change, Lord Prescott? What about your two Jaguars, for instance?
Lord Prescott: Look, if I’m driving one Jaguar then I’m not driving the other, am I, so I’m saving that other Jaguar from being driven by another driver, which means whenever I’m out driving one Jag I’m keeping the other with all its harmful omissions off the road, so I’m doing one helluva lot for noble warming, thank you very much. So you can put that in your pike and smote it.
Q: How would you define ‘climate’?
Lord Prescott: That’s an easy one. If you want to get to the top of a hill, you climate.
Q: And what exactly is the ozone layer?
Lord Prescott: Simple. It’s the one that lays the ozone. Next question!
Q: Is the hole in the ozone layer related to the climate change we are seeing today?
Lord Prescott: This is an answer I’m delighted to be able to question. So I’ll spell it out for you in words of one syllabub.
Did someone mention syllabub? That would go down very nicely, very nicely indeed. You must have heard my runny tumbling!
Now, where was I?
The layer in the boyzone hole is definitely related to climate change because all the change comes through the hole, and out onto the polar ice-cap, which then melts.
And this is just the sort of information I’ll be informivating the future former Labour leader Ed Millbank about when I start reporterising back to him on these micky tratters.
Ed needs a few hig bitters in the run-up to the general eviction in May, so I can’t tell you how very chuffed I am to be making my big political bum-crack.
With yours truly at the wearing steal, there’s everything to hop for! Yes, Prezza is back, ready to shave the world!
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Published: 01:50 GMT, 24 February 2015 | Updated: 08:27 GMT, 24 February 2015
Q: Climate change. What’s the evidence, Lord Prescott?
Lord Prescott: Ever dense? Anybody calls me that must expect a hunch to their pooter or they’ve got another kink thumbing.
Let me foot it like this. There’s consensual throughout the scientific commuter-knee that there’s all this carbon dioxide and monosodium glue and whatnot about, we’re talking a serious build-up of benedict cumberbatch or whatever, and that’s why the colar pap is melting what with all those bipolar bears sat there on their glacier mints in the O2 arena so if you want proof then it’s all there, right in front of your very pies.
www.inulpoker.com, Agen Poker Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Online Indonesia Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Terbaik,
Ed Miliband's new adviser on climate change answers your questions, as told to Craig BrownDid I hearing someone mention pies? Well, yes, I wouldn’t say no, now you mentionise it, I am a pit beckish.
Q: Is climate change influenced more by human activities and excess greenhouse gases or changes in the sun’s energy?
Lord Prescott: There’s no knee-dyeing we’ve got all these greenhouses so there’s going to be effect and that’s for curtain. So first you heat up your greenhouse and next thing you know, you’ve got primate change or climbing frame or whatever on your hands and you can’t wash that under the carpet.
Q: Did your involvement in the Kyoto Protocol convince you that emissions of carbon dioxide from human activities have a big impact on the Earth’s climate?Lord Prescott: The Proto Cwuticle was a major developmentalist in my overall thoughting about this crucial natter.
Without the Keyhole Protoplasm we’d be up Crick Sheet without a puddle.
And what it made as clear as the back of my hand was that the nocturnal emissions from carping dyed ox-hide were a major contributioning to gobble warning.
Q: As the special adviser on climate change to Labour leader Ed Miliband, what exactly will your job be?
Lord Prescott: My briefs along a broad range of Y-fronts is to get in touch with heads of steak and their meanier sinisters so as to raise wariness of the key tissues.
So I’ll be hashing beds together and reporting back to Head Bilimand on a regular basin as to the progression I’m progressing progressively on our progressment towards a satisfactorily progress of our progressivisation. And you can’t put it simplifier than that.
Q: How do you personally contribute to the fight against climate change, Lord Prescott? What about your two Jaguars, for instance?
Lord Prescott: Look, if I’m driving one Jaguar then I’m not driving the other, am I, so I’m saving that other Jaguar from being driven by another driver, which means whenever I’m out driving one Jag I’m keeping the other with all its harmful omissions off the road, so I’m doing one helluva lot for noble warming, thank you very much. So you can put that in your pike and smote it.Q: How would you define ‘climate’?
Lord Prescott: That’s an easy one. If you want to get to the top of a hill, you climate.
Q: And what exactly is the ozone layer?
Lord Prescott: Simple. It’s the one that lays the ozone. Next question!
Q: Is the hole in the ozone layer related to the climate change we are seeing today?
Lord Prescott: This is an answer I’m delighted to be able to question. So I’ll spell it out for you in words of one syllabub.
Did someone mention syllabub? That would go down very nicely, very nicely indeed. You must have heard my runny tumbling!
Now, where was I?
The layer in the boyzone hole is definitely related to climate change because all the change comes through the hole, and out onto the polar ice-cap, which then melts.
And this is just the sort of information I’ll be informivating the future former Labour leader Ed Millbank about when I start reporterising back to him on these micky tratters.
Ed needs a few hig bitters in the run-up to the general eviction in May, so I can’t tell you how very chuffed I am to be making my big political bum-crack.
With yours truly at the wearing steal, there’s everything to hop for! Yes, Prezza is back, ready to shave the world!
www.inulpoker.com, Agen Poker Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Online Indonesia Terpercaya, Poker dan Domino Terbaik,
By Tara Evans for the Daily Mail
Published: 15:41 GMT, 30 November 2012 | Updated: 15:48 GMT, 30 November 2012
Ever wondered why you couldn’t get a ticket to that gig you want to go to? Well that’s because the chances of you getting one are a lot harder than you think.
A couple of weeks ago CEO of Seatwave, Joe Cohen, told me over a rather large bowl of coffee that, sometimes, nearly 70 per cent of tickets are allocated before they go on general sale.
This figure is made up of pre-sale tickets (offered to newsletter subscribers or fan club members), corporate tickets and those allocated to promoters and sponsors.
This means that if you want to buy a ticket to a popular event, like the Rolling Stones or Take That, then the chance of getting one at face value are often slim.
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I can't get no satisfaction: Fans often left sad and angry when they can't get tickets to a popular event. But if they knew how many tickets were on sale they might have realistic expectations.
This is where re-selling websites come in. Websites like Viagogo, Seatwave and GetMeIn re-sell tickets to events – often at drastically inflated prices.
The upside of this is that fans can get a ticket, even if it means paying over the odds, and can sell tickets safely if they can't use theirs. (It also means that some people will be able to pay less for not-so-in-demand events too).
One of the revelations made during a Dispatches programme in February this year, which This is Money helped supply information for, was that promoters were giving batches of pre-sale tickets to secondary websites before they went of general sale.
This means that fans are NEVER given the chance to buy these tickets. They go straight from the promoter to the reseller.
Joe told me that Seatwave doesn’t strike these sorts of deals with promoters anymore. In fact, he said it wasn’t commercially successful as they would often have to stump up money for the tickets and take a gamble on the price that they would sell at all. He also conceded that it wasn’t fair on customers either.
He said: ‘We believe that pre-sales have the effect of limiting access for fans as they are only open to a small number of event-goers. Limited access usually has the effect of raising prices.
'Our view is that everyone, fans and ticket sellers alike, should have equal access to tickets. At the very least event organisers should disclose how many tickets are offered in pre-sales and how many remain available for the wider public.’
However, it is my suspicion that this still going on elsewhere.
Let me entertain you: Tickets to Robbie Williams went on general sale today - but re-selling website Viagogo already has tickets listed.
When tickets to Robbie Williams went on general sale this morning there were some that had already been listed immediately on rival reselling website Viagogo for several hours. Of course, some could have been from people who bought tickets during the pre-sale process.
So we asked Viagogo where they had come from, and more importantly if they were 'primary' tickets that had not been on sale before.
Viagogo would not explain where the tickets had come from. Furthermore, they did not deny that 'partnerships' with event organisers existed.
A Viagogo spokesman said: 'We have a wide range of different partnerships with sports teams and rights owners across the world.
'Our wish is always to be as transparent as possible as is evident from our official partnerships with half of the English Premier League, half the German Bundesliga and major music acts like Madonna.
'There are other times where for any number of reasons, including commercial confidentiality, we are unable to comment on whether or not we have an arrangement with a rights owner.’
Interesting.
What I’d like to see is ticket websites improving their transparency. Why can’t they tell us how many are on sale and where they have come from? If I know my chances are depleted I might not be so angry or upset next time that must-see gig sells out before I get a ticket.
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Published: 15:41 GMT, 30 November 2012 | Updated: 15:48 GMT, 30 November 2012
Ever wondered why you couldn’t get a ticket to that gig you want to go to? Well that’s because the chances of you getting one are a lot harder than you think.
A couple of weeks ago CEO of Seatwave, Joe Cohen, told me over a rather large bowl of coffee that, sometimes, nearly 70 per cent of tickets are allocated before they go on general sale.
This figure is made up of pre-sale tickets (offered to newsletter subscribers or fan club members), corporate tickets and those allocated to promoters and sponsors.
This means that if you want to buy a ticket to a popular event, like the Rolling Stones or Take That, then the chance of getting one at face value are often slim.
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I can't get no satisfaction: Fans often left sad and angry when they can't get tickets to a popular event. But if they knew how many tickets were on sale they might have realistic expectations.This is where re-selling websites come in. Websites like Viagogo, Seatwave and GetMeIn re-sell tickets to events – often at drastically inflated prices.
The upside of this is that fans can get a ticket, even if it means paying over the odds, and can sell tickets safely if they can't use theirs. (It also means that some people will be able to pay less for not-so-in-demand events too).
One of the revelations made during a Dispatches programme in February this year, which This is Money helped supply information for, was that promoters were giving batches of pre-sale tickets to secondary websites before they went of general sale.
This means that fans are NEVER given the chance to buy these tickets. They go straight from the promoter to the reseller.
Joe told me that Seatwave doesn’t strike these sorts of deals with promoters anymore. In fact, he said it wasn’t commercially successful as they would often have to stump up money for the tickets and take a gamble on the price that they would sell at all. He also conceded that it wasn’t fair on customers either.
He said: ‘We believe that pre-sales have the effect of limiting access for fans as they are only open to a small number of event-goers. Limited access usually has the effect of raising prices.
'Our view is that everyone, fans and ticket sellers alike, should have equal access to tickets. At the very least event organisers should disclose how many tickets are offered in pre-sales and how many remain available for the wider public.’
However, it is my suspicion that this still going on elsewhere.
Let me entertain you: Tickets to Robbie Williams went on general sale today - but re-selling website Viagogo already has tickets listed.When tickets to Robbie Williams went on general sale this morning there were some that had already been listed immediately on rival reselling website Viagogo for several hours. Of course, some could have been from people who bought tickets during the pre-sale process.
So we asked Viagogo where they had come from, and more importantly if they were 'primary' tickets that had not been on sale before.
Viagogo would not explain where the tickets had come from. Furthermore, they did not deny that 'partnerships' with event organisers existed.
A Viagogo spokesman said: 'We have a wide range of different partnerships with sports teams and rights owners across the world.
'Our wish is always to be as transparent as possible as is evident from our official partnerships with half of the English Premier League, half the German Bundesliga and major music acts like Madonna.
'There are other times where for any number of reasons, including commercial confidentiality, we are unable to comment on whether or not we have an arrangement with a rights owner.’
Interesting.
What I’d like to see is ticket websites improving their transparency. Why can’t they tell us how many are on sale and where they have come from? If I know my chances are depleted I might not be so angry or upset next time that must-see gig sells out before I get a ticket.
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By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 00:58 GMT, 12 February 2015 | Updated: 08:28 GMT, 12 February 2015
Newspaper headlines sometimes have a sort of weird poetry about them.
Years ago, the New York Post carried the headline ‘Headless Body Found in Topless Bar’. Not long ago, I came across ‘Flying Sausage Breaks Driver’s Nose’.
More recently, there was grim humour to be had in ‘Charles Manson’s Wedding Called Off as Fiancee “Just Wanted His Corpse for Display”.’
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Who's more evil? In one corner we have Almighty God; in the other we have the almighty Stephen Fry
Last week, the following headline caught my eye: ‘Stephen Fry has Every Right to Call God an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Archbishop.’
Like most headlines, but more so, this one was dense with information. It was almost too much to swallow in one gulp, so I read it again, and my head began to spin. Vast Gothic novels have been built on more meagre foundations.
In just 14 words, the reader is asked to filter a series of apparently random bits of information, all bound together in a single sentence. To have any chance of taking it all in, one must deal with each element in turn.
First, the disparate cast of participants: on the one hand, our mild-mannered Archbishop of Canterbury; on the other, the popular TV quizmaster and comedian Stephen Fry; and, last but not least, Almighty God, ever-present to the Archbishop, non-existent to the comedian.
Second, a tangled mix of theology and psychology, incorporating concepts of evil, mania, monstrosity and free speech. And all in a single headline!
Beside it, ‘Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster’ seems very straightforward, though the one we have all been waiting for — ‘My Hamster Ate Freddie Starr’ — has, alas, yet to appear.
But back to ‘Stephen Fry has Every Right to Call God an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Archbishop’. It sounds almost too loopy to be true. Was there, perhaps, a sudden gust of wind at the printers, causing a muddle-up with the protagonists? If so, the headline could have read:
1) ‘God has Every Right to Call Stephen Fry an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Archbishop’: This headline would, of course, have been par for the course in the Old Testament, when God was more interventionist, and his servants were expected to be more fiery and belligerent. And the same might be said for the headline:
2) ‘Archbishop has Every Right to Call Stephen Fry an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says God’: The accompanying story — perhaps based on an exclusive interview — would make it plain that, this time, Fry had gone too far with his doubles entendres and his fruity patter. Or it could have been:
3) ‘Archbishop has Every Right to Call God an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Stephen Fry’: For all his quick wit, Fry is prone to be a touch bullish in his proclamations of unbelief, almost as though he has come to regard God as a potential rival for the hosting of the Baftas — a rival who should be slapped down at all costs.
In this instance, Fry finds himself with an unlikely ally — the Archbishop of Canterbury — in his struggle against the Almighty. Or is Fry simply saying that, though the Archbishop has yet to call God rude names, he would be well within his rights if ever he did?
Then again, the headline could have said:
4) ‘Stephen Fry has Every Right to Call Archbishop an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says God’: This is perhaps the least likely of all the possible headlines. Were it proved to be true, Justin Welby would have good grounds for feeling hard done by, his lifelong faith rewarded with this extraordinary act of disloyalty.
But, in a funny way, Stephen Fry might also be nonplussed by this headline, and claim he had been misquoted by God. He is naturally well-mannered, so he would be unlikely to have made such a personal attack against the Archbishop.
Best of friends? In this instance, Fry finds himself an unlikely ally — the Archbishop of Canterbury (above)
Or might it be a double-bluff by God? Having spent so much time denying His existence, Fry would naturally be nonplussed to find God not only making His presence known, but speaking out in his support. Or, lastly, the headline could have said:
5) ‘God has Every Right to Call Archbishop an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Stephen Fry’: Justin Welby should double-check the source of Stephen Fry’s information before issuing any sort of formal riposte to this headline.
My own guess would be that, in this instance, Stephen Fry was simply looking for trouble, and hadn’t even bothered to sound God out on his thoughts about the Archbishop. Either that, or the story got muddled in the telling. Yes, God may work in mysterious ways — but not half so mysterious as the headline writer.
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Published: 00:58 GMT, 12 February 2015 | Updated: 08:28 GMT, 12 February 2015
Newspaper headlines sometimes have a sort of weird poetry about them.
Years ago, the New York Post carried the headline ‘Headless Body Found in Topless Bar’. Not long ago, I came across ‘Flying Sausage Breaks Driver’s Nose’.
More recently, there was grim humour to be had in ‘Charles Manson’s Wedding Called Off as Fiancee “Just Wanted His Corpse for Display”.’
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Who's more evil? In one corner we have Almighty God; in the other we have the almighty Stephen FryLast week, the following headline caught my eye: ‘Stephen Fry has Every Right to Call God an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Archbishop.’
Like most headlines, but more so, this one was dense with information. It was almost too much to swallow in one gulp, so I read it again, and my head began to spin. Vast Gothic novels have been built on more meagre foundations.
In just 14 words, the reader is asked to filter a series of apparently random bits of information, all bound together in a single sentence. To have any chance of taking it all in, one must deal with each element in turn.
First, the disparate cast of participants: on the one hand, our mild-mannered Archbishop of Canterbury; on the other, the popular TV quizmaster and comedian Stephen Fry; and, last but not least, Almighty God, ever-present to the Archbishop, non-existent to the comedian.
Second, a tangled mix of theology and psychology, incorporating concepts of evil, mania, monstrosity and free speech. And all in a single headline!
Beside it, ‘Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster’ seems very straightforward, though the one we have all been waiting for — ‘My Hamster Ate Freddie Starr’ — has, alas, yet to appear.
But back to ‘Stephen Fry has Every Right to Call God an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Archbishop’. It sounds almost too loopy to be true. Was there, perhaps, a sudden gust of wind at the printers, causing a muddle-up with the protagonists? If so, the headline could have read:
1) ‘God has Every Right to Call Stephen Fry an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Archbishop’: This headline would, of course, have been par for the course in the Old Testament, when God was more interventionist, and his servants were expected to be more fiery and belligerent. And the same might be said for the headline:
2) ‘Archbishop has Every Right to Call Stephen Fry an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says God’: The accompanying story — perhaps based on an exclusive interview — would make it plain that, this time, Fry had gone too far with his doubles entendres and his fruity patter. Or it could have been:
3) ‘Archbishop has Every Right to Call God an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Stephen Fry’: For all his quick wit, Fry is prone to be a touch bullish in his proclamations of unbelief, almost as though he has come to regard God as a potential rival for the hosting of the Baftas — a rival who should be slapped down at all costs.
In this instance, Fry finds himself with an unlikely ally — the Archbishop of Canterbury — in his struggle against the Almighty. Or is Fry simply saying that, though the Archbishop has yet to call God rude names, he would be well within his rights if ever he did?
Then again, the headline could have said:
4) ‘Stephen Fry has Every Right to Call Archbishop an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says God’: This is perhaps the least likely of all the possible headlines. Were it proved to be true, Justin Welby would have good grounds for feeling hard done by, his lifelong faith rewarded with this extraordinary act of disloyalty.
But, in a funny way, Stephen Fry might also be nonplussed by this headline, and claim he had been misquoted by God. He is naturally well-mannered, so he would be unlikely to have made such a personal attack against the Archbishop.
Best of friends? In this instance, Fry finds himself an unlikely ally — the Archbishop of Canterbury (above)Or might it be a double-bluff by God? Having spent so much time denying His existence, Fry would naturally be nonplussed to find God not only making His presence known, but speaking out in his support. Or, lastly, the headline could have said:
5) ‘God has Every Right to Call Archbishop an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Stephen Fry’: Justin Welby should double-check the source of Stephen Fry’s information before issuing any sort of formal riposte to this headline.
My own guess would be that, in this instance, Stephen Fry was simply looking for trouble, and hadn’t even bothered to sound God out on his thoughts about the Archbishop. Either that, or the story got muddled in the telling. Yes, God may work in mysterious ways — but not half so mysterious as the headline writer.
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With only 100 days to go until the General Election, it’s high time we discovered what makes each of the party leaders so special. By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:47 GMT, 27 January 2015 | Updated: 08:26 GMT, 27 January 2015Ed Miliband
1) ‘I enjoy Robbie Williams. Above all, the guy’s an entertainer.’2) ‘As a holiday destination, France has a lot going for it, and Italy can also be very pleasant.’
3) ‘My wife and I sometimes relax with a glass of wine over dinner.’
4) ‘Football’s a great game, particularly if you feel like kicking a ball about.’
5) ‘What I always say is, look before you leap.’
6) ‘To my mind the most direct road to Swindon from Central London remains the M4.’
7) ‘Personally, I’ve never gone fishing, but they tell me it’s a really effective way of catching fish.’
8) ‘A tomato is in actual fact a fruit, not a vegetable.’
9) ‘When the weather turns chilly, a warm pullover can prove highly effective.’
10) ‘The best-ever James Bond is definitely Sean Connery, though as it happens I really like Daniel Craig, too.’
Nick Clegg
1) ‘The trouble with Pringles is that once you’ve eaten one, it’s hard to stop.’2) ‘I’ve a lot of time for The Beatles. The songs of Lennon and McCartney will undoubtedly stand the test of time.’
3) ‘Someone told me recently that a tomato is in fact a fruit, not a vegetable.’
4) ‘Sean Connery was the greatest James Bond — but Daniel Craig runs him a pretty close second.’
5) ‘Blue is a truly first-rate colour for a bathroom.’
6) ‘Fawlty Towers is hilarious — one of the all-time comedy greats. I must have seen some episodes two or three times.’
7) ‘During the week, I wear a suit, but at weekends I opt for something more casual.’
8) ‘I haven’t yet caught that new film about Stephen Hawking but I’m really looking forward to it. It’s meant to be very good.’
9) ‘It can be tricky to find somewhere to park in Central London.’
10) ‘Stop me if I’ve said this before, but a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable.’
David Cameron
1) ‘Adele is a truly first-class singer, as well as being a great ambassador for Britain PLC.’2) ‘On a hot summer’s day, nothing beats a pint of beer.’
3) ‘The great thing about Americans is that they’re always so positive.’
4) ‘Traffic congestion can sometimes lead to lengthy delays when you’re driving.’
5) ‘If it’s raining, and the ground’s muddy, then best put on a pair of wellington boots.’
6) ‘For my money, Sean Connery was the greatest-ever James Bond — though I have to say Daniel Craig is very good, too.’
7) ‘Aeroplanes these days are really pretty safe. I forget the exact figures, but they say you’re much more likely to be killed in a car crash than in a plane.’
8) ‘Judi Dench is a remarkable actress, but then so is Maggie Smith. And let’s not forget Helen Mirren.’
9) ‘If you’re planning to go somewhere you’ve never been before, it’s well worth taking a map.’
10) ‘Dolphins are in fact highly intelligent creatures.’
Nigel Farage
1) ‘Too many cooks spoil the broth, as the old adage has it.’2) ‘Someone told me the other day that a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable.’
3) ‘For a firmer grip on the steering wheel, nothing can beat a decent pair of driving gloves.’
4) ‘Say what you like about Lloyd Webber, he’s written some truly memorable songs, I forget which.’
5) ‘The Queen is a very remarkable lady. Let’s face it, hers is the most difficult job in the world.’
6) ‘The great advantage of going by train is that you don’t have to worry about all the driving . . .’
7) ‘ . . . but, then again, the great thing about the car is that you can be your own boss.’
8) ‘When you want to relax on holiday, there’s nothing like a really good book.’
9) ‘The universe is literally millions of years old. If not billions.’
10) ‘Without a doubt, the greatest James Bond of all time was Sean Connery. Though I must say that new chap, Daniel Craig, takes some beating.’
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By Tara Evans for the Daily Mail
Published: 15:05 GMT, 18 December 2012 | Updated: 15:10 GMT, 18 December 2012Yesterday the HM Revenue & Customs social media team spread messages of 'inner peace' through the medium of Twitter as part of a new marketing campaign to get self-assessment tax forms filed ahead of the January 31 deadline.
But hold on almost five minutes (the average waiting time on the HMRC's premium rate number, although 6.5m hold for ten minutes or longer), what I'd like to know is how are we supposed to find 'inner peace' when we're left hanging on the telephone?
If comments from This is Money readers are anything to go by, the waiting time often exceeds the average call waiting time.
Inner peace: A new marketing campaign from HMRC urges people to file their self-assessment tax forms ahead of the January 31 deadline.I wonder what the cost of those phone calls is? Oh, just a measly ... £30million over the past year, according to figures National Audit Office.
Sadly changes to the Child Benefit system are set to clog up phone lines even further once they kick in next year.
Tweets: The official Twitter account from HMRC confused followers yesterday with a series of uncharacteristic tweets.But don't fret because we all have this delightful campaign to look forward to.
Yesterday's tweet: ‘Hi HMRC’s followers, just to let you know HMRC have decided to stop tweeting about tax today and instead all look for inner peace xoxox’, led marketing and media publication, The Drum, to write a story about the HMRC account being ‘hacked’.
The HMRC is rolling out the campaign via posters, radio and newspapers ads, as well as ‘cutting-edge interactive digital advertising, which will give internet surfers the chance to see people experiencing inner peace floating around their computer screens’.
Maybe we can all watch that happen while we wait on the telephone? :(
But with around 20 million phone calls to the HMRC 'not answered' last year, it might be time that the HMRC focused on perfecting the basics rather than finding 'inner peace'.
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Published: 01:42 GMT, 4 December 2014 | Updated: 01:42 GMT, 4 December 2014
Jeff Bezos will announce Amazon owns all the fish in the sea and they'll be ready-cooked, wrapped and in delivered straight to our doorsJULY
In an historic landmark, God takes to Twitter. ‘Sorry, guys, but anyone who still believes in Richard Dawkins is simply irrational,’ He tweets from @mysteriousways.
Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, announces a company expansion. As from next month, Amazon owns all the fish in the sea. Asked if this spells the end of fishing, Bezos replies: ‘That’s certainly true. It suits our customers to have their fish ready-cooked and wrapped, delivered straight to their doors.
‘We’ll soon have a scheme up and running whereby, for a small percentage of profits, the fish agree to catch themselves then throw themselves head-first into our deep-fryer. It’s so much more convenient for them.’
AUGUST
A survey by the IBO (Institute of the Bleeding Obvious) reveals that old people are more likely than young people to die within the next 20 years. Irate listeners to BBC Radio 4’s You And Yours demand ‘urgent government action’ to redress this wrong.
Mystery surrounds the disappearance of top model Cara Delevingne. ‘She hasn’t been seen on the cover of a magazine for a full 24 hours,’ says a police spokesperson. ‘We are deeply concerned.’
The John Lewis Penguin is taken in for questioning by police about alleged offences that took place on an ice-floe at some point during the Seventies, but is later released without charge.
SEPTEMBER
A law coming into operation later this month is set to make apologising mandatory.
Henceforth, all MPs and public servants will be required to say sorry on a weekly basis for any unprompted remark they may or may not have delivered over the past seven days.
Furthermore, every ten minutes all trains will broadcast a recorded announcement saying: ‘We apologise to customers for everything that has or has not happened on your journey, and everything that may or may not happen in the future.’
A related law requires all company spokesmen to say: ‘There are clearly lessons to be learned,’ whenever they are asked any question on Channel 4 News.
A Channel 5 documentary reveals that Adolf Hitler was in top-secret talks with the Loch Ness Monster to make Marilyn Monroe disappear by transporting her to the Bermuda TriangleOCTOBER
A Channel 5 documentary reveals that Adolf Hitler was in top-secret talks with the Loch Ness Monster to make Marilyn Monroe disappear by transporting her to the Bermuda Triangle.
‘It’s the best-kept secret of World War III,’ explains commentator Professor Keith Drivel. ‘Except, of course, for World War III itself, which took place without anyone noticing.’
Revolutionary comedian Russell Brand fronts a march against himself. ‘I’m worthless, soul-destroying and meaningless, cynically manufactured with built-in obsolescence — in fact, everything that’s most appalling about the consumerist conspiracy that is today’s global capitalism,’ he argues.
North Korea's roly-poly dictator Kim Jong-un will take part in I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!NOVEMBER
The penguin who first rose to stardom in the 2014 John Lewis Christmas ad is one of this year’s contestants on I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!
Among those joining him in the jungle are roly-poly celebrity dictator Kim Jong-un, Arianna Stassinopoulos from The Only Way Is Athens, former TV star Mr Blobby, ex-Labour leader Ed Miliband and Dappy from N-Dubz.
Tony and Cherie Blair add Scotland to their property portfolio. ‘It’s long been one of their favourite nations and should make an excellent long-term investment,’ explains a spokesman.
In response to criticism, the Blairs reveal that ‘a percentage from the purchase will go towards furthering peace in the Middle East’.
DECEMBER
On I’m A Celebrity, former Tory MP David Mellor is involved in a blazing row with the John Lewis penguin.
But the penguin pulls rank. ‘I’ve fronted a popular TV commercial, I’m available as a cuddly toy, and my lovable antics are adored by people of all ages — and what have you ever done?’ he snaps to a chastened Mellor.
For the first time in decades, Palestinians and Israelis unite in a joint effort to erect a wall to keep out the Blairs.
‘Some things are way more important than territorial conflict,’ they announce in a joint declaration. ‘This is all about our shared humanity.’
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And now for the good news . . . Following a particularly grim week, here’s a compendium of some of the world’s most comforting headlines: By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:47 GMT, 13 January 2015 | Updated: 08:24 GMT, 13 January 2015
Downton Abbey's famously grim butler, Mr BatesSupermodel Smiles On CatwalkJack Russell Dog Welcomes StrangerChild At Funfair ‘Delighted’ By GoldfishKatie Price Breasts ‘Roughly Same Size As Last Week’ Say ExpertsTeenager Looks Up From Phone, Greets ParentPolitical Pundits Agree To Stop Discussing Hung Parliament For Next Three MonthsDiner Finishes His Curly KalePensioner Looks Great In Party HatCelebrity Fails To Compare Life To Roller-coasterPet Hamster Repays Child’s Affection‘Cheer Up, It May Never Happen’ — Downton’s Mr Bates Enjoys Belly-laughStyle Journalist Fails To Employ The Word ‘Iconic’Sally Bercow Goes Out On Town, Retains DignityEntire Windfarm Operates According To PlanMiley Cyrus Feels A Bit Chilly, Opts For Extra Layer Foreign Vessel Makes It Safely Into PortDog Wearing Vegetable On Head Refuses To Go On YouTubeUkip Candidate Confesses To Unembarrassing PastComedian ‘Was Never Bullied’ In School PlaygroundYougov Poll Suggests 83 Per Cent Of People Don’t Tell Pollsters What They Really ThinkCelebrity Spotted On Celebrity Big BrotherDawkins Claims To Have ‘No Firm Opinion’ On Topical EventRussell Brand Enjoys Quiet Day InEric Pickles Nibbles RyvitaGwyneth Paltrow Wolfs Down Chip Butty‘No Comment’ Says Katie HopkinsCelebrity Fails To Cry On Major TV InterviewPanda Up All Night Partying, Flirting, Going WildScientists Discover Intelligent Life On TwitterSupermarket ‘Bag For Life’ Still Usable After Three OutingsBillionaire Oligarch Drives Sensible Family Car, Takes Bends With Due Care And AttentionLord Lucan Tipped For ‘I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!’Listener Phones In To Radio 3 Show With Interesting ReminiscenceFox News Expert Successfully Locates Europe On Map Top Gear Team ‘Lost In Jungle’Branson Suffers Crisis Of Confidence, Stops GrinningTrump Lets Hair Down‘Previously On Homeland . . .’ Recap Successfully Followed By First-time ViewerPublishers Admit New Novel By Veteran Author Not Long-awaited Miliband Holds Audience Spellbound ‘Mustn’t Grumble’: Radio 4’s You And Yours In Surprise Tweet Actors Fail To Sigh In Radio 4 DramaYouTube Viewers Reject Puppy Video As ‘Overly Sentimental’Biopic Sticks To Facts‘My Nan’s Not Poorly’ Confesses X-factor ContestantTwin-engine Helicopter Reaches Destination SafelyTraffic Brought To Standstill For Announcement Of Booker WinnerMagazine Forgets To Place Cara On CoverTop Meerkat Refuses To Renew Tv Ad ContractLady Antonia Fraser: The Millwall YearsStarkey Fails To OffendAudiences Left ‘Bewildered’ As West End Puts On New Play With No Hits From The SixtiesGovernment Sets Up Inquiry Into Government InquiriesAudiences In Despair As TV History Documentary Fails To Feature Hitler, Henry VIII Or Pyramids.Railway Conductor Issues Apology For Issuing Too Many ApologiesBono: ‘Pull Its Wings Off’Naipaul Salutes Orange Prize WinnerMorrissey Experiences Giggling FitCleese Delights AudienceBlair Flies Standard, Makes Do With Big MacYentob Forgets Autograph BookEdwina Currie Insists ‘Only If It’s In The Best Possible Taste’Nancy Dell’Olio Has Quiet Night InHealth Food Shop Staff Look HealthyNo Serial Killer In Latest Hollywood Blockbuster window._taboola = window._taboola || []; _taboola.push({mode: 'autosized-generated-text-under-1r-' + 'row', container: 'taboola-below-main-column', placement: 'wide'}); _taboola.push({flush:true}); var rcShoutCache = '{}'; window._taboola = window._taboola || []; _taboola.push({flush:true}); DM.later('bundle', function(){ if (window.ArticlePage) { new ArticlePage(); } });
By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:35 GMT, 17 February 2015 | Updated: 01:42 GMT, 17 February 2015Other English piers have been wrecked or diminished by fire and neglect, but the pier in Southwold, Suffolk, seems to grow jollier with each passing year.
For some time now, its chief attraction for me has been the Under The Pier Show, an arcade of supremely dotty one-off slot-machines, all of them created by an eccentric comic genius called Tim Hunkin.
These days, most computer games and slot-machines revolve around fear or greed, but not so Hunkin’s. When you enter his arcade, the first sound you hear is hoots of laughter. The same could never be said of Grand Theft Auto, or even good old Penny Falls.
Fun and games: Tim Hunkin has brought his arcade of supremely dotty one-off slot-machines to London, which include the Microbreak and the Whack A BankerHunkin’s humour is a beautiful blend of the nostalgic and the outlandish. One of my favourite machines is Mobility Masterclass, in which you attempt to cross a comically busy roundabout using a Zimmer frame.
The Expressive Photobooth resembles a normal passport photobooth, but while you pose there is a sudden gust of air, followed, a few seconds later, by your seat wobbling.
Then something happens in the roof, so you look up. When your four passport photos finally appear, they are respectively captioned ‘Exhilarated’, ‘Enchanted’ and ‘Distracted’. A final photo, this one of a complete stranger, is called ‘Reincarnated’.
Another favourite is Microbreak. Most of Hunkin’s machines have a whiff of the Fifties about them — he has much in common with Nick ‘Wallace and Gromit’ Park — and this one is no exception.
Microbreak consists of an old-fashioned armchair standing in front of an equally old-fashioned television set.
You sit down on the armchair and place your coin in the slot.
The TV screen shows the interior of an aeroplane: you are one of the passengers. Suddenly, the jet takes off, and your seat lurches backwards: you are away on your own armchair Microbreak.
The screen takes you through your hectic flight and coach transfers, followed by a scary journey along perilously windy roads, with your armchair twisting and turning around every corner.
Finally, you arrive at your destination. Your luggage is lost. You sit in a miserable hotel dining room, then around a gloomy swimming pool, then on a beach.
At this point, a lamp on the top of the television lights up, beaming bright rays into your face. You are then whisked back home in reverse, with yet more sudden jolts and twists and turns — and all in the space of three minutes.
It’s a very funny, very English satire on our hectic struggle to relax. ‘I find holidays more stressful than work and often thoroughly depressing,’ Hunkin said recently.
‘I’m not a good traveller and I’m always worried by missing flights, losing my passport, etc. Depressing, because they involve a lot of aimless wandering around, often surrounded by lots of other people doing the same. This makes me feel old and reminds me of death.’
This slight undertow of melancholy, of dreams dashed by reality, places Hunkin firmly in the tradition of English humour. Through his machines, he delights in what makes us miserable, and this is what makes them so magical.
Another machine is called Divorce. It’s a game for two people, featuring models of a man and a woman with angry expressions on their faces, tussling over a family house.
Each player is in command of a rotating wheel: the faster you turn it, the more you pull the house in your direction.
Before long, alarm bells ring and the house splits in two, leaving a cat hanging from the ceiling and two children stranded in mid-air.
It is the sort of grim domestic scene favoured by miserabilist film directors, but somehow the ingenuity of the engineering, and the funny little domestic details — the bunk-beds, the Henry vacuum cleaner, the bathroom mirror smeared with the words ‘I HATE YOU’ — make it impossible not to laugh.
Tim Hunkin, founder and engineer at Novelty Automation, a fun arcade complete with weird and wacky machines now opening in LondonThis week, these marvellous machines arrived in London. A new outpost of Hunkin’s genius, called Novelty Automation, has opened in a backstreet of Holborn.
This is an area which is fast becoming the comedy epicentre of the world: within ten minutes’ walk are the Soane Museum, home to Hogarth’s Rake’s Progress; the Cartoon Museum, at present showing an exhibition of Marc Boxer’s matchless cartoons; and the Museum of Comedy, where you can see Tommy Cooper’s fez, Steptoe And Son’s stuffed bear, The Two Ronnies’ spectacles and Charlie Chaplin’s cane.
I went along to Novelty Automation the minute it opened, happy to see old favourites like Whack A Banker, in which bankers’ heads pop up and you have to bash as many as you can.
And there are also brand new machines, not least the spectacular Money Laundering, which involves scooping up a great pile of cash with a tall crane and transferring it to weighing scales without being spotted by the financial regulators.
If Ed Balls and George Osborne have a spare moment, perhaps they should pop in together, and see who wins.
Novelty Automation, 1a Princeton St, London WC1.
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By Tara Evans for the Daily Mail
Published: 14:47 GMT, 5 July 2013 | Updated: 16:46 GMT, 5 July 2013Earlier this week This is Money revealed that Kerry Katona had been declared bankrupt for the second time in three years.
At the time the ex-popstar was the face of a payday loan company, Cash Lady. The firm had been embroiled in its own controversy when it had its TV advertising campaign, featuring Katona, banned because the regulators deemed that it encouraged debt to fund a celebrity lifestyle.
The former member of Atomic Kitten continued to advertise the payday loan firm until earlier this week.
You've got to be kitten me: Kerry Katona has been dropped as the face of payday loan company, Cash Lady, after being declared bankrupt for the second time.On confirming that Katona had been made bankrupt, on her own petition, we contacted Cash Lady for a comment.
A spokesman told us that they were dropping Katona from their ads and her picture has since been removed from their website.
Earlier this year Katona wrote a blog for the Huffington Post where she defended her choice to promote the short term lender given the controversy that the industry has faced in recent months.
In the piece she said: ‘CashLady.co.uk is ONLY designed for people who have a job which is why I agreed to do it.’
One This is Money reader, Zeke, contacted us to say that this wasn’t the case. He explained that, after seeing the ad, he had applied for a £300 loan through Cash Lady as an unemployed eighteen-year-old presuming that he’d be turned immediately down.
The result? They offered him a £500 loan. (See the screen grabs from his blog below.)
Apply please: A screengrab from the Cash Lady website that appeared on a This is Money readers blog after he applied for a loan.
Loan please: The page that Zeke was directed too when he applied for the loan.Zeke said that he was unemployed but that he had a monthly income of £600. A loan of £500, designed to be repaid with interest within one month, would wipe out nearly all of this.
Zeke emailed us to question whether this was responsible lending. A great question. We put it to Cash Lady.
Despite the Cash Lady website seeming to offer Zeke a £500 loan, a spokesman said that ‘Cash Lady is a broker, not a lender’ and therefore 'would not have been involved in the decision making process as to whether or not he would be offered credit'.
Cash Lady added that if Zeke had continued the application then he would have been referred to a lender which offers guarantor loans, rather than a payday loan that is unsecured. It says this is responsible.
The spokesman continued: ‘The second set of screenshots (starting with "Zeke we can lend you £500") didn’t come from us. Our application form doesn’t ask for full debit card details, as we don’t handle any transactions.
Spam: Zeke set up a new email address to apply for the loan and was bombarded with emails from similar lenders'We ask for their bank account details and to verify that they have a debit card, and that information gets sent to whichever lender provisionally accepts the application, if any do.’
'Once he applied with us, his application information went through to the list of lenders we work with, and FLM Quick provisionally accepted the application.
'He then would have been transferred through to them, and it would have been clear that he was being transferred to a third party. The application for a guarantor loan would have happened with them.’
But Zeke didn't understand that Cash Lady was a broker and not a lender, or that he was being transferred from Cash Lady to another company mid-way through his application.
I suspect a lot of the population would struggle to understand this difference.
Additionally, Zeke set up an email address to apply for the loan and over the next few days he was inundated with emails from similar lenders.
Payday lenders have faced much scrutiny over the past year. The Office of Fair Trading has referred the industry to the Competition Commission and the Financial Conduct Authority are set to take over regulation of the sector next April.
I think there is an important lesson here for the government and regulators – it’s not just the lenders that need tighter regulation, it’s brokers, just like Cash Lady.
These firms do not lend money but instead push punters onto loan firms and choose ‘celebrities’, like Katona, to advertise them. They deserve as much scrutiny as the lenders themselves.
By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:11 GMT, 6 January 2015 | Updated: 07:56 GMT, 6 January 2015
In a magazine interview, Yoko Ono claimed the person she most admires is herselfThe Christmas and New Year period always results in a great build-up of newspapers and magazines on our kitchen table.
By this late stage, in order to clear a space for breakfast, we are having to brush them aside, rather in the manner of a snow plough. While I chomp on my Frosties, I sometimes imagine a little tightrope walker tottering back and forth between the two great piles of newsprint.
For the past week or so, the magazine uppermost on the right-hand pile has been left open on a question-and-answer interview with Yoko Ono, or ‘Yoko Ono, artist’, as she prefers to style herself.
It comes with a photograph of Yoko in her habitual pose, peering knowingly over the dark glasses perched on the end of her nose.
At this time of year, sloth is at its most powerful; though my New Year’s resolution was to stop reading the Yoko questionnaire over breakfast, I have found myself powerless to resist it. Despite myself, I have been reading, re-reading and re-re-reading it over successive breakfasts, so I know it virtually off by heart.
Its headline is taken from one of the choicest quotes in the article. ‘Which person do I most admire? Me, because I know me best.’
Thus is set the tone of self-approval, fast mounting to self-adoration. Were a politician to let slip the same testimony, he would be obliged to issue an immediate retraction.
But Yoko Ono is an artist and, more importantly, a widow, so we take her at her own estimation, wilfully mistaking vanity for wisdom.
‘What is your greatest fear?’ is the second question. ‘That what I fear will come true,’ comes the reply.
But that is the whole point about fear, I shout back at the piece each morning: if you don’t think a fear will come true, then there’s nothing to be frightened of, so it can’t be called a fear!
‘What is your earliest memory?’ ‘When I was in my mum’s womb.’
Oh, yes? Yoko offers no proof for this dubious boast. How did she know she was in her mother’s womb? It would have been very dark in there, even if she hadn’t yet got hold of a pair of her trademark sunglasses. Since, at that early stage of her life, she would have had nothing with which to compare it, might she not have been confusing a womb with a cot?
‘What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?’ To this sort of question, the self-satisfied usually tend to reply ‘my honesty’ or ‘my boundless love of humanity’, so, the first time I read it, it came as a pleasant surprise to find Yoko replying: ‘Accidentally looking at myself in the mirror.’
But I now think that ‘accidentally’ is the key word here: if each time she looks in the mirror it is accidental, then why would it be deplorable?
Yoko Ono dubiously claimed her first memory is of being inside her mother's womb, providing no proof of this being trueI now suspect that she added ‘accidentally’ at a later stage, so as to soften the suggestion of narcissism.
And then the same question is asked again, only in a slightly different way. To the question, ‘What is your most unappealing habit?’ she replies: ‘Telling the truth.’ Why should telling the truth be unappealing? Many would argue that peering out over dark glasses perched on the end of your nose is an infinitely less appealing habit, and she does it all the time.
What if she is not telling the truth about telling the truth? To my mind, her obsession with enlarging her property portfolio is an unappealing habit that far outstrips her love of truth. Indeed, John Lennon and Yoko owned several apartments in New York’s Dakota building alone, with one room specially refrigerated for her fur coats.
Yoko adds that her book Grapefruit, originally published in 1964, is the book that most changed her life‘Imagine six apartments / It isn’t hard to do,’ Elton John once joked. ‘One is full of fur coats / The other’s full of shoes.’
As the questionnaire goes on, her self-satisfaction blossoms exponentially. ‘Which book changed your life?’
‘One I wrote in 2000, Grapefruit, a book of instructions for art and for life. It became very well-read.’
This might be a good moment to quote in full two of these ‘instructions’, each allotted its own page in the book. One, titled Laugh Piece, reads: ‘Keep laughing a week.’
Another, titled Cough Piece, reads: ‘Keep coughing a year.’
If this advice has changed anyone else’s life, it could only be for the worse, especially for those who live within coughing distance.
And so it goes on, this festival of self-adoration: ‘What do you owe your parents?’ ‘A lot of wisdom.’ ‘Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?’ ‘All activists who are trying to better the world.’
And then, perhaps most off-putting of all, to the question ‘How often do you have sex?’ comes the reply: ‘Depends on what you call sex.’
It is now January 6. How many more breakfasts will go by before I manage to throw it away and read something else? Or will I be consuming Yoko’s wisdom every breakfast for the rest of my life?
And what if I then turn into Yoko Ono? What is my greatest fear? That what I fear will come true.
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EXCLUSIVE: First picture of the angelic schoolboy who turned into the world's most wanted man. How polite London pupil who loved Man United and S Club 7 became a bloodthirsty ISIS executioner
RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: No, Britain is not to blame for Jihadi John
From playing video games and practising martial arts to the world's most reviled killer: Jihadi John's descent to bloodthirsty executioner
Medication could put YOU over the new drug-drive limit: Motorists suffering from epilepsy, insomnia and anxiety advised to carry their prescriptions
'We're not the tea party!' Farage takes America by storm and tells Republicans Obama doesn't have the 'courage' to take on ISIS
Facebook launches new suicide alert system to allow user to report their friends
For stars like Holden, bad news is always someone else's fault: JAN MOIR on why Amanda needs to look closer to home for the cause of her current troubles
Busted! Benefits cheat who earned £210,000 in handouts over seven years while claiming he was too sick to work is caught on camera lugging huge sacks of wood
Britain's worst cowboy builder: As polite as he was devious, he charmed his way into family homes - then sabotaged them to create extra work. And if anyone complained he'd say he had cancer!
Ed Miliband facing backlash from universities over 'financially illiterate' plans to cut fees from £9,000 to £6,000 to be funded by raid on private pensions
GPs to get bonus for recording your dying wish over fears too many elderly patients are passing away surrounded by strangers
Britain's biggest college banned from recruiting from abroad after publicly-funded student numbers increased from zero to 4,000 in just one year
Judge orders Ukip candidate: Don't take your children to rallies because it could harm them emotionally
Has the world fallen for a stunt? Madonna's Brits plunge won headlines round the world - and sent her flop single up the charts. But some are suggesting it WASN'T an accident at all... (she's got form remember!)
Jeremy Clarkson is an 'idiot' and Top Gear's 'old blokes wearing jeans' give drivers a bad name, says Labour's transport chief
Revealed: BBC staff get average of £4,000 extra for working on days off as MPs blast corporation for wasting licence fee
Now you could be breathalysed for drink-WALKING: British pedestrians in Spain face testing after an accident in crackdown on road safety
First pictures of the biggest aircraft in history: Microsoft co-founder provides glimpse of his proposed megaplane that will launch rockets into orbit
Across the Atlantic - in a garden shed: Most 84-year-olds would settle for a Saga cruise. But this ancient mariner had other ideas
Judge's fury after absent Slovenian father is handed £23,000 in legal aid to translate court notes into English for case that will determine custody of his daughter
Why your pets really DON'T remember being told off: Average short-term memory span of animals is 27 seconds - and dogs can only remember for two minutes
Did Queen's bank help tax dodgers? Coutts investigated by German prosecutors over allegations helped clients hide cash in Swiss bank accounts
It'll take years to pay back public, says RBS as state-backed lender slumps to £3.5billion loss By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:28 GMT, 19 February 2015 | Updated: 09:43 GMT, 19 February 2015During a break in a Dutch tennis tournament last week, Andy Murray was spotted consulting a hand-written list of top tips sent in by his fans.
The tips tended towards the blindingly obvious. One of them was ‘Try your best’, another ‘Be proactive during points’.
My favourite was ‘Be intense with your legs’. This is clearly better advice than ‘Move sluggishly’ or ‘Stand stock still’, but it strikes me that Murray would benefit from something rather more specific.
During a break in a Dutch tennis tournament last week, Andy Murray (left) was spotted consulting a hand-written list (right) of top tips sent in by his fans Luckily for Andy, I play tennis with friends two or three times a week, so I am just the person to help him improve his game, or ‘inner game’, as those of us in the know prefer to call it.
Here, free of charge, is my own cut-out-and-keep list of Top Tips for Andy Murray, the wisdom accrued from a thousand amateur games.
I’ll be looking to check that Andy consults my list on a regular basis during his matches in the Dubai Tennis Championships next week. If he fails to win, then he will have only himself to blame.
1. In doubles, shout ‘Yours!’ as often as possible
As you may have noticed, Andy, after the first few rallies, it’s all too easy to get out of puff. So it’s important to preserve your energy by getting your partner to run for all the tricky shots.
Be sure, though, to shout ‘Yours!’ in the right tone of voice, so that onlookers think you are being generous rather than bone lazy.
2. Don’t forget to do up your laces
For some reason, laces on tennis shoes are very irritating, with minds of their own. One end is always far longer than the other, and when you pull them tight, there is always a bit of shoe halfway down the laced area that remains completely loose.
The tips tended towards the blindingly obvious. One of them was ‘Try your best’, another ‘Be proactive during points’ So the temptation is to not bother tying up your laces. This means you have to walk rather than run for each shot, which can put you at a disadvantage.
3. Always keep your eye on the ball
And, even more importantly, never miss an opportunity to pass this advice on to your opponents, in a very kindly, very caring voice, every time they miss a shot.
Even if they don’t thank you for it at the time, you can be sure they will never forget your willingness to interfere on their behalf.
4. Groan loudly each time you serve
This will put your opponent off his stride, particularly if you vary the groan (‘Urgh!’ ‘Aargh’ ‘Oof!’ ‘Blwrr!’) with each serve, so that he can never quite get used to it.
Some players also like to groan every time they hit the ball during a rally, as well as every time they fail to hit it.
But, be warned, others are already on to this clever ruse.
Come the summer, when our local courts start to fill up, it can sound as though the whole area has been struck down by a particularly resonant bout of gastroenteritis.
5. Always carry a merry tune in your head
I always find that singing ‘Do-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo’ or some other line from a catchy tune from the Sixties, over and over again, is the perfect way to keep calm, while all around you the other players grow more and more frazzled.
There’s no need to learn all the words.
It often surprises me that professional players at Wimbledon are quite so unmusical. Not one of them has a tune at the ready.
So, Andy, being Scottish, why not sing the line ‘Mull of Kintyre, mists rolling in from dah-dah-dah-dah-dah’ every time your opponent throws the ball up to serve?
6. If you’re at the net and see the ball coming straight at you, be sure to duck
I always do a girly scream, too, just to improve the general effect.
Of course, Andy, as a young player, full of enthusiasm, you may be tempted to try to hit the ball back, but you’ll find ducking is much easier.
And if you’re playing doubles, you can always shout ‘Yours!’ as you duck, to make it look as though you are unselfishly letting your partner have his or her moment in the sun.
7. Tennis is the perfect excuse for a good chat
Conversation during more energetic games, such as football, rugger or water-polo, is inevitably sporadic.
But tennis offers the perfect forum for a good gossip, either between partners or, with a little extra volume, between opponents.
It has always struck me as odd how seldom tennis stars enjoy a good chat while playing. Do they not realise that it is the perfect way to break up the monotony?
So, Andy, my advice to you the next time you play Novak Djokovic is to start the ball rolling by piping up, ‘Seen any good films lately?’ just as he is about to serve.
Craig Brown will be performing his One-Stop Literary Festival at the Theatre Royal, Bury St Edmunds, on Sunday February 22.
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Kara Scott
2nd World Rank
Final Table WSOP
World Series Of Poker
