CRAIG BROWN: Who's evil? God, the Archbishop of Canterbury or Stephen Fry?

By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 00:58 GMT, 12 February 2015 | Updated: 08:28 GMT, 12 February 2015
Newspaper headlines sometimes have a sort of weird poetry about them.
Years ago, the New York Post carried the headline ‘Headless Body Found in Topless Bar’. Not long ago, I came across ‘Flying Sausage Breaks Driver’s Nose’.
More recently, there was grim humour to be had in ‘Charles Manson’s Wedding Called Off as Fiancee “Just Wanted His Corpse for Display”.’

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Who's more evil? In one corner we have Almighty God; in the other we have the almighty Stephen Fry
Last week, the following headline caught my eye: ‘Stephen Fry has Every Right to Call God an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Archbishop.’
Like most headlines, but more so, this one was dense with information. It was almost too much to swallow in one gulp, so I read it again, and my head began to spin. Vast Gothic novels have been built on more meagre foundations.
In just 14 words, the reader is asked to filter a series of apparently random bits of information, all bound together in a single sentence. To have any chance of taking it all in, one must deal with each element in turn.
First, the disparate cast of participants: on the one hand, our mild-mannered Archbishop of Canterbury; on the other, the popular TV quizmaster and comedian Stephen Fry; and, last but not least, Almighty God, ever-present to the Archbishop, non-existent to the comedian.
Second, a tangled mix of theology and psychology, incorporating concepts of evil, mania, monstrosity and free speech. And all in a single headline!
Beside it, ‘Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster’ seems very straightforward, though the one we have all been waiting for — ‘My Hamster Ate Freddie Starr’ — has, alas, yet to appear.
But back to ‘Stephen Fry has Every Right to Call God an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Archbishop’. It sounds almost too loopy to be true. Was there, perhaps, a sudden gust of wind at the printers, causing a muddle-up with the protagonists? If so, the headline could have read:
1) ‘God has Every Right to Call Stephen Fry an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Archbishop’: This headline would, of course, have been par for the course in the Old Testament, when God was more interventionist, and his servants were expected to be more fiery and belligerent. And the same might be said for the headline:
2) ‘Archbishop has Every Right to Call Stephen Fry an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says God’: The accompanying story — perhaps based on an exclusive interview — would make it plain that, this time, Fry had gone too far with his doubles entendres and his fruity patter. Or it could have been:
3) ‘Archbishop has Every Right to Call God an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Stephen Fry’: For all his quick wit, Fry is prone to be a touch bullish in his proclamations of unbelief, almost as though he has come to regard God as a potential rival for the hosting of the Baftas — a rival who should be slapped down at all costs.
In this instance, Fry finds himself with an unlikely ally — the Archbishop of Canterbury — in his struggle against the Almighty. Or is Fry simply saying that, though the Archbishop has yet to call God rude names, he would be well within his rights if ever he did?
Then again, the headline could have said:
4) ‘Stephen Fry has Every Right to Call Archbishop an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says God’: This is perhaps the least likely of all the possible headlines. Were it proved to be true, Justin Welby would have good grounds for feeling hard done by, his lifelong faith rewarded with this extraordinary act of disloyalty.
But, in a funny way, Stephen Fry might also be nonplussed by this headline, and claim he had been misquoted by God. He is naturally well-mannered, so he would be unlikely to have made such a personal attack against the Archbishop.
Best of friends? In this instance, Fry finds himself an unlikely ally — the Archbishop of Canterbury (above)
Or might it be a double-bluff by God? Having spent so much time denying His existence, Fry would naturally be nonplussed to find God not only making His presence known, but speaking out in his support. Or, lastly, the headline could have said:
5) ‘God has Every Right to Call Archbishop an Evil, Monstrous Maniac, says Stephen Fry’: Justin Welby should double-check the source of Stephen Fry’s information before issuing any sort of formal riposte to this headline.
My own guess would be that, in this instance, Stephen Fry was simply looking for trouble, and hadn’t even bothered to sound God out on his thoughts about the Archbishop. Either that, or the story got muddled in the telling. Yes, God may work in mysterious ways — but not half so mysterious as the headline writer.

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