CRAIG BROWN takes trip to fictitional seaside home of Broadchurch

By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:37 GMT, 15 January 2015 | Updated: 08:29 GMT, 15 January 2015
First I took a left, then a right, then a left again. I was completely lost. Then I saw a man in his 30s walking along. I stopped to ask him the way. 'Could you help me?' I asked.
'I never killed those girls,' he said.
'Actually' I said, 'I was wondering how to get to back to the main road?'
'I don't know nothin'!' he screamed, before disappearing down a footpath yelling: 'It's not my fault!'
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Craig Brown takes a trip to the fictional town of BBC's Broadchurch, the series starring David Tennant and Olivia Colman
After a hundred yards I came upon a lovely little coastal town. The sign by the side of the road read: BROADCHURCH WELCOMES NO ONE.
I thought it best to ask for directions in the newsagent's. I parked my car between a group of people screamingly angrily at one another and a police road block and got out.
In front of me, a man with a scowl was purchasing the Broadchurch Gazette, with its large banner headline: 'ONLY THREE YOUNGSTERS BRUTALLY MURDERED SO FAR THIS WEEK.' The newsagent said it would be 60p. 'I hope you rot in hell after all you've done,' replied the scowling man. 'Oh, and a packet of Smarties, too, please!'
'Could you tell me the way to . . .' I began.
'None of your bloody business!' snapped the newsagent. 'I've had enough of your questions! You and that wife of yours! And what about Maureen? You and Tim should never have told Richard because Richard was bound to tell Jane everything. Who's side are you really on, damn you?!'
Who was Maureen? And which one was Tim? And who were Richard and Jane? By now, I was finding it all very hard to follow.
'I'll never forgive her,' added the newsagent.
'Who?' I asked.
'Whoever it was who did whatever it was to whoever it was whenever it was. I'll never forgive her.'
'Why not?'
'Because whoever it was who did whatever it was to whoever it was whenever it was should never have done whatever it was to whoever it was whenever it was. That's why I'll never forgive her. And as for that third autopsy . . .'
The popular series, set in a seaside town, has recently come under fire after fans complained they could not understand what people were saying
'Well, I'd better be going,' I said.
'I'm innocent!' he replied.
Outside, the High Street had been cordoned off by the police, who were unravelling a large spool of bright yellow 'POLICE LINE DO NOT ENTER' tape.
'Anything gone wrong?'I asked a policeman.
'Not in the last two minutes. But you never can tell. There's 2,000 people in this town, and they've all got something to hide. Meanwhile, I'll never forgive myself. Especially after what happened to Maureen.'
Maureen! That name again! 'What happened to Maureen?' I asked.
'What d'you care?' he snapped. 'You're as bad as the rest of 'em!' I noticed he was shaking uncontrollably.
I was beginning to think there might be something a little nervy about the quaint old seaside town of Broadchurch. So far, everyone I encountered had seemed a bit on edge, and I was finding it hard to follow what they were saying.
Other viewers have criticised Broadchurch, which won acclaim as a gritty and down-to-earth crime drama, for the new series' 'soap opera' plotlines, branding it a 'fancy EastEnders'
To my relief, I spotted a vicar in the main square. At last, someone who could explain what was happening!
'Excuse me,' I said. 'What on earth's going on?'
'Who's side are you on? What do you want? Don't mess me about! Why would I know? I had nothing to do with it — nothing, d'y'hear?' Like so many other citizens of Broadchurch, he gave every sign of being at the end of his tether.
'I'm sorry,' I said. 'I'm new to the area.'
'Maureen warned me about you. She knew that you and Tim had told Richard all about it, and that's why Jane could never forgive you. And so Jack told Sally to tell Kev what Roger had told Tim, and — now I see it! — that's why Jeff refused to speak to Kim about what Jill had told Richard . . .'
Baffled, I blurted out: 'But who's Richard? And who's Tim? And who's . . .'
'Richard's the bald one who looks a bit like Kev, and Tim's the one who looks a bit like both the other two. And Sally's the one whose body has just been found at the bottom of the cliff. But what's it to do with you? What do you care?' he screamed.

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