CRAIG BROWN: Mellor's next flap? Picking on a penguin: Next year's news today...

By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail

Published: 01:45 GMT, 2 December 2014 | Updated: 01:45 GMT, 2 December 2014

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Tony and Cherie Blair will announce they have just added Stonehenge to their property portfolio, predicts Craig Brown

JANUARY

Tony and Cherie Blair announce they have just added Stonehenge to their property portfolio. They plan to install central heating, a swimming pool and a conference centre ‘to help bring peace to the Middle East’.

Miley Cyrus appears fully-clothed at an awards ceremony. Concerned friends say she has been acting strangely for some time.

The trend for celebrities issuing tweets about world events continues, with all four members of the now-disbanded Teletubbies calling for peace in the Middle East.

FEBRUARY

Professor Richard Dawkins argues on Twitter that God ‘is almost certainly an atheist’.

A new report from the highly regarded IBO (Institute of the Bleeding Obvious) suggests that wealthy people are more likely to live in larger houses, and that brushing your teeth helps prevent dental decay.

The new chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland issues a heartfelt apology to the bank’s customers ‘for everything we have done in the past and everything we are planning to do in the future’.

Tony and Cherie Blair acquire Shropshire. ‘It has always been their dream to acquire a relatively modest English county,’ explains a spokesman. ‘They hope that, by doing so, they can help bridge the gap between rich and poor.’

MARCH

Former Tory MP David Mellor fails to enjoy a ride on the London Eye. ‘I got into this f****** b***** pod expecting to be taken somewhere special,’ he tells an attendant. ‘Half an hour later, we arrive, and I find I’m in the same f****** place. It’s an absolute f****** disgrace.’

In a further bid to ingratiate itself with the paying public, Ryanair announces a new ‘luxury deal’ for its ‘VIP customers’. ‘For a further payment of just £15 plus VAT, our new VIP card will assure customers the exclusive use of a seat-belt, and for a further payment of just £17.50 plus VAT they can look forward to a pane of glass in their closest window,’ says Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary.

David Mellor and partner Penelope Cobham, pictured after the former Tory MP went on a foul-mouthed tirade at a taxi driver

APRIL

Miley Cyrus arrives topless to address the United Nations. Friends express relief that she is back on form.

On an official trip to Buckingham Palace, former Tory MP David Mellor becomes upset when the Queen refuses to let him have a lie-down on her bed.

‘I didn’t come all this way to be treated like that! Do you know who I am?’ he asks her. ‘And have you ever been a junior minister at the Home Office or an award-winning presenter on a local London radio station? No? Well you’ve ruined my whole day and it’s high time you b***** well bucked your ideas up, you useless waste of space!’

In a major keynote speech to the Liberal Democrat spring conference, leader Nick Clegg explains the party is ‘well on course’ to win next month’s General Election. ‘Our only remaining task is to win back all the voters who supported us last time, and then gain a whole lot more,’ he declares, to a standing ovation.

MAY

David Mellor turns on the celebrity John Lewis penguin in June, predicts Craig Brown

Channel 5 screens a major new documentary series, Adolf, Marilyn And The Mysteries Of The Pyramids, in which a leading historian from Oxford University reveals how leading Nazi Adolf Hitler regularly entertained leading actress Marilyn Monroe at his top-secret suite within the Great Pyramid of Giza. ‘This has all the ingredients of a huge hit,’ media experts confirm.

The penguin who first rose to stardom in the 2014 John Lewis Christmas ad is interviewed by Evan Davis on BBC Newsnight. ‘First, let’s discuss the whole vexed issue of European integration,’ begins Davis, ‘and then I’d like to go on, if I may, to discuss Britain’s continued role in Iraq.’

Tony and Cherie Blair purchase the Tesco supermarket chain. ‘The stores are very convenient for a number of their homes,’ explains a spokesman. ‘Not to mention a wonderful way to foster religious tolerance.’

JUNE

Prime Minister Nigel Farage and Deputy Prime Minister Alex Salmond welcome Chancellor of the Exchequer Russell Brand for high-level talks on the Exchange Rate Mechanism. ‘Let’s be quite clear about this,’ declares Farage, over a glass of Pernod. ‘I never once said we’d be better off out of the European Union.’

In an impromptu spat, David Mellor turns on the celebrity John Lewis penguin. ‘I’m a QC and an award-winning disgraced politician!’ he barks. ‘So don’t you come the aquatic, flightless bird with me!’

Part two will be revealed tomorrow... 

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