98 years old and STILL on a great Odyssey

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Today, exclusive to the Beachcomber column, we present an extract from Odyssey II: It’s All Greek To Me.

After the war against the Trojans had been won, the triumphant Odysseus began his long journey home but a shock awaited him when he arrived.

“Thank goodness you have returned at last,” a bedraggled financial minister said to him. “Our coffers are bare. We’re skint. Totally drachma-less. There is no hope for us unless you slay the triple-headed monster of the Eurozone, the ECB and the IMF.”

“I know not this monster of which you speak,” Odysseus said. “All was fine when I left to fight Troy. What went wrong?”

“The cost of the war has crippled the economy. We had to borrow from our neighbours to finance the war while maintaining our lifestyle.

You military chaps just don’t realise how expensive it is to make a giant wooden horse complete with living accommodation inside.

Now we’re having to borrow just to pay the interest on previous loans.”

“What is this three-headed monster business all about?” Odysseus asked.

“One head is President Juncker of the European Commission,” his minister explained, “another is President Draghi of the European Central Bank and the third is Director Lagarde of the International Monetary Fund, but all three have been seduced by the evil temptress Merkel and they won’t lend us any more money."

“Then we must sell our greatest asset to pay off the debt,” Odysseus said: “The wooden horse.” “But who will buy it in these difficult times?” his finance minister asked.

“Nobody now owns a palace big enough to house it.”

“How about the Science Museum?” Odysseus asked. “An oracle told me they’re getting rid of a diplodocus in their foyer. It’s much bigger than our horse, which would look great there.” His minister shook his head sadly.

“It’s wood,” he said; “just think of the fire risk. Health and Safety would never allow it. And anyway, the Trojans say the horse is theirs. They have documentation to prove that you gave it to them as a present.

"They’ve even been calling it a Trojan Horse when we all know its Greek. If its not listed in the surrender protocol, there’s no way we can sell it.”

“I have another idea,” said Odysseus pensively. “Out with it,” said the finance minister. “You’re the only one who can save us now.”

“My idea,” said Odysseus, “is to change my name to Ulysses and get out of this wretched country before we’re thrown out of Europe altogether.”

“It wouldn’t work,” said the finance minister. “The name of Ulysses is the property of the James Joyce estate. You’d never get away with using it.” “Right,” said Odysseus: “Where’s this Merkel monster then?” 

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