Ask Lord Prescott... as told to CRAIG BROWN

By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail
Published: 01:50 GMT, 24 February 2015 | Updated: 08:27 GMT, 24 February 2015
Q: Climate change. What’s the evidence, Lord Prescott?
Lord Prescott: Ever dense? Anybody calls me that must expect a hunch to their pooter or they’ve got another kink thumbing.
Let me foot it like this. There’s consensual throughout the scientific commuter-knee that there’s all this carbon dioxide and monosodium glue and whatnot about, we’re talking a serious build-up of benedict cumberbatch or whatever, and that’s why the colar pap is melting what with all those bipolar bears sat there on their glacier mints in the O2 arena so if you want proof then it’s all there, right in front of your very pies.

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Ed Miliband's new adviser on climate change answers your questions, as told to Craig Brown
Did I hearing someone mention pies? Well, yes, I wouldn’t say no, now you mentionise it, I am a pit beckish.
Q: Is climate change influenced more by human activities and excess greenhouse gases or changes in the sun’s energy?
Lord Prescott: There’s no knee-dyeing we’ve got all these greenhouses so there’s going to be effect and that’s for curtain. So first you heat up your greenhouse and next thing you know, you’ve got primate change or climbing frame or whatever on your hands and you can’t wash that under the carpet.
Q: Did your involvement in the Kyoto Protocol convince you that emissions of carbon dioxide from human activities have a big impact on the Earth’s climate?
Lord Prescott: The Proto Cwuticle was a major developmentalist in my overall thoughting about this crucial natter.
Without the Keyhole Protoplasm we’d be up Crick Sheet without a puddle.
And what it made as clear as the back of my hand was that the nocturnal emissions from carping dyed ox-hide were a major contributioning to gobble warning.
Q: As the special adviser on climate change to Labour leader Ed Miliband, what exactly will your job be?
Lord Prescott: My briefs along a broad range of Y-fronts is to get in touch with heads of steak and their meanier sinisters so as to raise wariness of the key tissues.
So I’ll be hashing beds together and reporting back to Head Bilimand on a regular basin as to the progression I’m progressing progressively on our progressment towards a satisfactorily progress of our progressivisation. And you can’t put it simplifier than that.
Q: How do you personally contribute to the fight against climate change, Lord Prescott? What about your two Jaguars, for instance?
Lord Prescott: Look, if I’m driving one Jaguar then I’m not driving the other, am I, so I’m saving that other Jaguar from being driven by another driver, which means whenever I’m out driving one Jag I’m keeping the other with all its harmful omissions off the road, so I’m doing one helluva lot for noble warming, thank you very much. So you can put that in your pike and smote it.
Q: How would you define ‘climate’?
Lord Prescott: That’s an easy one. If you want to get to the top of a hill, you climate.
Q: And what exactly is the ozone layer?
Lord Prescott: Simple. It’s the one that lays the ozone. Next question!
Q: Is the hole in the ozone layer related to the climate change we are seeing today?
Lord Prescott: This is an answer I’m delighted to be able to question. So I’ll spell it out for you in words of one syllabub.
Did someone mention syllabub? That would go down very nicely, very nicely indeed. You must have heard my runny tumbling!
Now, where was I?
The layer in the boyzone hole is definitely related to climate change because all the change comes through the hole, and out onto the polar ice-cap, which then melts.
And this is just the sort of information I’ll be informivating the future former Labour leader Ed Millbank about when I start reporterising back to him on these micky tratters.
Ed needs a few hig bitters in the run-up to the general eviction in May, so I can’t tell you how very chuffed I am to be making my big political bum-crack.
With yours truly at the wearing steal, there’s everything to hop for! Yes, Prezza is back, ready to shave the world!

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