Palestine and Israel unite...against Blair!

By Craig Brown for the Daily Mail

Published: 01:42 GMT, 4 December 2014 | Updated: 01:42 GMT, 4 December 2014

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Jeff Bezos will announce Amazon owns all the fish in the sea and they'll be ready-cooked, wrapped and in delivered straight to our doors

JULY

In an historic landmark, God takes to Twitter. ‘Sorry, guys, but anyone who still believes in Richard Dawkins is simply irrational,’ He tweets from @mysteriousways.

Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, announces a company expansion. As from next month, Amazon owns all the fish in the sea. Asked if this spells the end of fishing, Bezos replies: ‘That’s certainly true. It suits our customers to have their fish ready-cooked and wrapped, delivered straight to their doors.

‘We’ll soon have a scheme up and running whereby, for a small percentage of profits, the fish agree to catch themselves then throw themselves head-first into our deep-fryer. It’s so much more convenient for them.’

AUGUST

A survey by the IBO (Institute of the Bleeding Obvious) reveals that old people are more likely than young people to die within the next 20 years. Irate listeners to BBC Radio 4’s You And Yours demand ‘urgent government action’ to redress this wrong.

Mystery surrounds the disappearance of top model Cara Delevingne. ‘She hasn’t been seen on the cover of a magazine for a full 24 hours,’ says a police spokesperson. ‘We are deeply concerned.’

The John Lewis Penguin is taken in for questioning by police about alleged offences that took place on an ice-floe at some point during the Seventies, but is later released without charge.

SEPTEMBER

A law coming into operation later this month is set to make apologising mandatory.

Henceforth, all MPs and public servants will be required to say sorry on a weekly basis for any unprompted remark they may or may not have delivered over the past seven days.

Furthermore, every ten minutes all trains will broadcast a recorded announcement saying: ‘We apologise to customers for everything that has or has not happened on your journey, and everything that may or may not happen in the future.’

A related law requires all company spokesmen to say: ‘There are clearly lessons to be learned,’ whenever they are asked any question on Channel 4 News.

A Channel 5 documentary reveals that Adolf Hitler was in top-secret talks with the Loch Ness Monster to make Marilyn Monroe disappear by transporting her to the Bermuda Triangle

OCTOBER

A Channel 5 documentary reveals that Adolf Hitler was in top-secret talks with the Loch Ness Monster to make Marilyn Monroe disappear by transporting her to the Bermuda Triangle.

‘It’s the best-kept secret of World War III,’ explains commentator Professor Keith Drivel. ‘Except, of course, for World War III itself, which took place without anyone noticing.’

Revolutionary comedian Russell Brand fronts a march against himself. ‘I’m worthless, soul-destroying and meaningless, cynically manufactured with built-in obsolescence — in fact, everything that’s most appalling about the consumerist conspiracy that is today’s global capitalism,’ he argues.

North Korea's roly-poly dictator Kim Jong-un will take part in I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!

NOVEMBER

The penguin who first rose to stardom in the 2014 John Lewis Christmas ad is one of this year’s contestants on I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!

Among those joining him in the jungle are roly-poly celebrity dictator Kim Jong-un, Arianna Stassinopoulos from The Only Way Is Athens, former TV star Mr Blobby, ex-Labour leader Ed Miliband and Dappy from N-Dubz.

Tony and Cherie Blair add Scotland to their property portfolio. ‘It’s long been one of their favourite nations and should make an excellent long-term investment,’ explains a spokesman.

In response to criticism, the Blairs reveal that ‘a percentage from the purchase will go towards furthering peace in the Middle East’.

DECEMBER

On I’m A Celebrity, former Tory MP David Mellor is involved in a blazing row with the John Lewis penguin.

But the penguin pulls rank. ‘I’ve fronted a popular TV commercial, I’m available as a cuddly toy, and my lovable antics are adored by people of all ages — and what have you ever done?’ he snaps to a chastened Mellor.

For the first time in decades, Palestinians and Israelis unite in a joint effort to erect a wall to keep out the Blairs.

‘Some things are way more important than territorial conflict,’ they announce in a joint declaration. ‘This is all about our shared humanity.’

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