CRAIG BROWN: My top tip for Andy Murray... if you see the ball

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Published: 01:28 GMT, 19 February 2015 | Updated: 09:43 GMT, 19 February 2015

During a break in a Dutch tennis tournament last week, Andy Murray was spotted consulting a hand-written list of top tips sent in by his fans.

The tips tended towards the blindingly obvious. One of them was ‘Try your best’, another ‘Be proactive during points’.

My favourite was ‘Be intense with your legs’. This is clearly better advice than ‘Move sluggishly’ or ‘Stand stock still’, but it strikes me that Murray would benefit from something rather more specific.

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During a break in a Dutch tennis tournament last week, Andy Murray (left) was spotted consulting a hand-written list (right) of top tips sent in by his fans

Luckily for Andy, I play tennis with friends two or three times a week, so I am just the person to help him improve his game, or ‘inner game’, as those of us in the know prefer to call it.

Here, free of charge, is my own cut-out-and-keep list of Top Tips for Andy Murray, the wisdom accrued from a thousand amateur games.

I’ll be looking to check that Andy consults my list on a regular basis during his matches in the Dubai Tennis Championships next week. If he fails to win, then he will have only himself to blame.

1. In doubles, shout ‘Yours!’ as often as possible

As you may have noticed, Andy, after the first few rallies, it’s all too easy to get out of puff. So it’s important to preserve your energy by getting your partner to run for all the tricky shots.

Be sure, though, to shout ‘Yours!’ in the right tone of voice, so that onlookers think you are being generous rather than bone lazy.

2. Don’t forget to do up your laces

For some reason, laces on tennis shoes are very irritating, with minds of their own. One end is always far longer than the other, and when you pull them tight, there is always a bit of shoe halfway down the laced area that remains completely loose.

The tips tended towards the blindingly obvious. One of them was ‘Try your best’, another ‘Be proactive during points’

So the temptation is to not bother tying up your laces. This means you have to walk rather than run for each shot, which can put you at a disadvantage.

3. Always keep your eye on the ball

And, even more importantly, never miss an opportunity to pass this advice on to your opponents, in a very kindly, very caring voice, every time they miss a shot.

Even if they don’t thank you for it at the time, you can be sure they will never forget your willingness to interfere on their behalf.

4. Groan loudly each time you serve

This will put your opponent off his stride, particularly if you vary the groan (‘Urgh!’ ‘Aargh’ ‘Oof!’ ‘Blwrr!’) with each serve, so that he can never quite get used to it.

Some players also like to groan every time they hit the ball during a rally, as well as every time they fail to hit it.

But, be warned, others are already on to this clever ruse.

Come the summer, when our local courts start to fill up, it can sound as though the whole area has been struck down by a particularly resonant bout of gastroenteritis.

5. Always carry a merry tune in your head

I always find that singing ‘Do-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo’ or some other line from a catchy tune from the Sixties, over and over again, is the perfect way to keep calm, while all around you the other players grow more and more frazzled.

There’s no need to learn all the words.

It often surprises me that professional players at Wimbledon are quite so unmusical. Not one of them has a tune at the ready.

So, Andy, being Scottish, why not sing the line ‘Mull of Kintyre, mists rolling in from dah-dah-dah-dah-dah’ every time your opponent throws the ball up to serve?

6. If you’re at the net and see the ball coming straight at you, be sure to duck

I always do a girly scream, too, just to improve the general effect.

Of course, Andy, as a young player, full of enthusiasm, you may be tempted to try to hit the ball back, but you’ll find ducking is much easier.

And if you’re playing doubles, you can always shout ‘Yours!’ as you duck, to make it look as though you are unselfishly letting your partner have his or her moment in the sun.

7. Tennis is the perfect excuse for a good chat

Conversation during more energetic games, such as football, rugger or water-polo, is inevitably sporadic.

But tennis offers the perfect forum for a good gossip, either between partners or, with a little extra volume, between opponents.

It has always struck me as odd how seldom tennis stars enjoy a good chat while playing. Do they not realise that it is the perfect way to break up the monotony?

So, Andy, my advice to you the next time you play Novak Djokovic is to start the ball rolling by piping up, ‘Seen any good films lately?’ just as he is about to serve.

Craig Brown will be performing his One-Stop Literary Festival at the Theatre Royal, Bury St Edmunds, on Sunday February 22.